Tuesday, May 30, 2017

mixed signals

A few months ago, I would not be able to hold back a smile when I receive a surprise.

And yet today, I received unexpected gifts, but I felt no desire to smile. I felt no amusement. I felt no joy. I did experience agitation, though.

How can so many mistakes be fixed with gifts? No gift can bring me to forgiveness.

Damage is done. Damage is done.

My brain works wonders this time. I seem to have forgotten memories which were once precious at heart. I seem to forgot how he looks like, but I can still certainly feel the heartache. Like it was just yesterday that I was hurt so badly. Disgraced like my dignity worth nothing. Threatened as if I was an archenemy. Accused like a murderer, found guilty before I could stand up for my defence. Belittled as if I possess neither intelligence nor logic. At one point I actually believed myself to be the devil he portrayed me to be - until my good old friend, Hanif, said, "Taklah. You're a good person". There's something about this lad that somehow, can calm me down no matter how bad a storm I am trapped in. Jangs for laif, brah. Jangs for laif.

At the moment, I just want to meet as many people as I can. Make new friends. Broaden my horizon. Feel free and soar high into the sky.

It's time for me to move on.

thoughts

Lying on my bed. Thick blanket wrapping my body, giving false sense of comfort. Looking at my reflection on the ceiling fan. Thoughts running through my mind.

How did it get to this?

How could a person change like this? It only took a distant third party with almost zero significance.

How could a person on whose shoulder I sobbed over my sad past, to whom I revealed my deepest troubles, be the very causative factor of this long-forgotten misery?

Betrayal, comes in many forms. Of all, emotional betrayal is the most painful.

Two days ago, after holding back my conflicting emotions, trying my best to appear as strong as I could, I found myself again sobbing over something that is beyond repair. Damage is done.

I gathered every ounce of courage I could to open my heart once again. To love a soul sincerely. And yet my sincerity is being doubted, despite having nothing to hide. Accusation by accusation, this heart I mended with all my might shattered into pieces. Pieces so micro, I can't seem to pick them up with my two hands, I sensed anxiety looming over me yesterday.

Be strong, Zahirah... believe in others' kindness. That one evil soul does not represent the whole population.

Have hope. Have hope. 

To my three guardian angels, Kurol, Hanif, and Murni... thank you for protecting me. Thank you for keeping my sanity intact.

Friday, May 26, 2017

a legacy



Dr Abdul Latif Abdul Hamid. The first time I heard of his name was when I first got posted in Negri Sembilan. "You'll be somewhat lucky somewhat unlucky if you get to learn from him. The best orthognatic surgeon. Fierce and fearsome but magical hands", one of my lecturers said to me.

I never thought of applying to be posted at this department. As I had said, it has always been a dream of mine to become an oral maxillofacial surgeon one day. As a dark chapter in my life came to an end, suddenly there's an opening at the department.

Heard a lot of horror stories about this place. Like how terrifying it is to be on call there. Like how anxious my nights would be if I were to work there, but the thought of learning from the one of the best surgeons in Malaysia was too tempting, so here I am.

Learning under his guidance was not easy. "ARE YOU BLIND??", "Gosh, what a bizarre thing to do", "Look, look, don't try to confuse me. Yes or no? Simple question!", are among words that would sputter out of his mouth. I reminisce being yelled at by him many times in a row in one morning, that I looked at the clock, ran into the janitor room, and cried for two good minutes. Looked at my watch, wiped tears off my cheek, and went straight to my surgery cubicle, continued treating patients. "I've got a lot to learn. Be humble and learn from the best while you still have the time", I said to myself. That was the only time I cried and that's it.

Put aside my ego and learned from him as much as I could. Everytime he encounters any challenges, he would stay composed, walk calmly but swiftly, examine the situation, and do his magic. Give him any trauma case. Be it a few weeks had passed, when he fixes patients' broken jaws, they look as good as new.

A very professional person, you would not witness him degrading a staff nurse in an operation theater for not knowing which instrument to hand him when being asked, because he knows she is not trained dentally... but if he thinks you should know your stuff but you don't, then you'd wish you're dead.



He tolerates no bullshit, but beyond working hours, he is a very warm person. Like how nerve-wrecking it was when I asked to take a photo with him. He smiled and said, "Why not?". After that, he said to me, "So you're gonna write, 'This is the guy who fires me endlessly'?", and laughed. When I asked him to take a selfie with us, officers, he actually crouched a bit and joked, "So I guess I should do this so it looks better in the selfie, huh?". When you bump into him as you walk through a door, it's always 'ladies first' for him and he would let you through first.

It is from his teachings that I eventually learned to do surgical removal of impacted teeth in less than 15minutes. It is from his teachings that I figured out that no matter how shitty a case is, keep calm, assess, and fix everything up. Be patient. Do not rush. Don't be heroic. Be practical and evidence-based.

Boss, it has been an honour to have served alongside you. I wish I had applied sooner to be posted here, eventhough that'd be the interval that you were fiercer than now. I will try my best not to put your name to shame.

I really wish I'd be given more time to learn from him. And for this reason, my tears trickle again.

Monday, May 15, 2017

breathe

There are a few good things I learnt from the incident two years ago which makes breaking up not that harsh this time.

One particular thing is do not cut off your friendship with others.


Like how I am glad that I relied on these two babes as my confidantes. We used to be roommates during matriculation and 2 years ago we were reunited over that sadistic incident. We had our fair share of arguments but it is with them that I am able to experience friendship in its truest form.

With them, I feel normal to take a day off just to sleep or bake. Or how just a simple new feature on Facebook would make us laugh like crazy. And that true friends are not only around when they need favours from you, but also when you're down. When you're in need of help. When you are gullible that you need someone to stand up for you.

A few weeks ago, I was told that I don't have the right to blog certain things. Well, guess what *chuckles*. I have blogged for more than one and a half decade now, I really don't give a fuck how others would judge me based on this. Yep. Read this, people.

If anything, I can be quite a composed and warm person until I sense someone trying to manipulate my thoughts and actions. In which case, I would turn into someone so evil, you'd wish you had never known in the first place. At times I becomes discreetly evil. At times I can be very obvious that you can easily understand that I am a dead end.

The old me would cling onto happy memories. I am never good at articulating my feelings, but I always hope that one would understand them through my actions. My words would always come out wrong, so I tend to forgive others when they do the same.

Still, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. I forgive easily, but I certainly do not forget. It's what my past experience had taught me. That one event would always lead to a chain reaction. That one can either stay the same or change for the better or worse.

Emotional betrayal, trying to paint a bad picture of me for all my close friends to see (the best thing is this time no more twisting stories because everything has been kept for me to see), even to a person with whom you had lost contact for so long, who had nothing to do with the relationship, siblings. I don't need a case of infidelity to walk away. I have failed to see the reason this would work. I remember my late grandmother telling me one thing. When a couple fight, the last people they should go to are their family members. This is my thought. I am putting it on the table, because at the end of the day, it is my life that we're putting at stake.

At the meantime, I feel as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I guess I learned another lesson. That when one persistently feels unexplained tension in a relationship and it goes unsolved, when one's progress in life stays dormant because too many things are being held back from all the mental crisis from it and they all go unsolved, same mistakes being repeated over and over again, that's when one should leave a relationship.

So I gladly walked away and breathe.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

rewind



"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start"

Just like the video, at times I wish some things can be rewound. Before I witness this part of this person.

People change.

Fights either make us stronger or bitter.

Unfortunately for my case, it is the latter.

Everything went downhill and we hit rock bottom. Spread-eagle. Separated apart.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

freedom

Phew, finally my two weeks of on call had ended. At this hospital, dental officers are put on passive on call. It basically means we don't have to linger around at the hospital all the time. It's only when we're being summoned there that our attendance is required.

Still, I am being dubbed the 'Jonah on call officer'. Jonah basically is defined as a person who attracts cases. On regular on call days, most of us receive 2-3 calls per night. Me? I'd be grateful if I only receive 5 calls per day. My record is 13 cases on a fine Sunday. 

You'd find me at the emergency department seeing a patient who'd decide to wait for months before choosing to come to ED at 2 o'clock in the morning complaining of pain on wisdom tooth; to as bad as a patient who is rushed to into red zone (ED in Malaysia is divided into green - non-critical; yellow - semi-critical; and red zones - critical), trying to stop bleeding originating from multiple facial bone fractures. Imagine waking up and suddenly speeding to ED and later holding that fragile piece of that floating palate which is completely split from the skull, fixing wires, desperately trying to immobilise it. 

The good news is, patients generally do not die suddenly from loosing blood from having facial fractures, but leave it long enough, then you're indirectly asking to be part of a mortality meeting of a deceased. 

It feels like it was only yesterday that I was on call at a district hospital in Port Dickson, when my knowledge in oral maxillofacial surgery is so scarce, during which I'd only cry if I was given a Le Fort case. Today, I am no longer that weak person. 

For this, I'll have to thank my boss, Dr Latif (the orthognatic sifu as my senior would call him), for yelling at me all the time for mismanaging patients. He is a man, from whom you'd learn a lot if you're willing to put aside your emotions and dignity for the sake of leveling up skill and knowledge-wise. Whenever you come to him with a question, if it's stupid enough or is somewhat ignorant, he'd answer you with, "Look, I'm not sure whether you're stupid or you just could not care less on reading... but as written in...*he'd start reciting an article or book*". If it's a question that's worth pondering upon, he'd answer you with, "Look, girl, listen to me. Why the hell would you do *insert your mistakes*, when you could have *insert the solution*". A systematic man who despite his old age, still actively seeks for knowledge. He deals with no bullshit and he hates excuses. 

Come to think of it... I think some of his attitude has rubbed on me. I seem to have lower tolerance at dealing with excuses and bullshit these days. To me, it is either yes or no. If I question a person with say, A. I expect to be answered with A. Not some meaningless seconds and minutes, beating around the bush, to finally get to that point of A or perhaps finally discovering that the answer is Y. I understand that people make mistakes, but I hate it when they do not admit them and try to mind-fuck me thinking they are being intelligent by twisting facts. At times, I'd just say, "Okay" (while my mind is racing, thinking what a fucktard this lad is, thinking he/she had gotten off with such a lame excuse but it'd take too much effort to fight over it). That's when I am in my best mood. Otherwise, I'd just answer with, "Stop with all these cock and bull. Did you do it or not?" (and still thinking what a fucktard this person is).

I'm a bit too abrasive I guess.