Thursday, June 29, 2017

could it be any harder

"Like sand on my feet
The smell of sweet perfume
That sticks to me forever, baby"
- Could It Be Any Harder by The Calling

Self-restraint

Remember the pain

Remember the words

Remember the cusses

Remember the prison, the cage

Remember the treason, the ache




I close my eyes, hoping everything had never happened. Back when I had not tasted love.

Sleep doesn't come easily these days. I kept getting 4 hours of sleep or less these days. By midnight, I'd fall asleep. 4am my mind would be wide awake. The thought of having insomnia looms. How terrified I am to go through it all over again.

To hope is to risk being disappointed.

Remember that, Zahirah.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

pause

"Why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favourite part

We'll skip the goodbyes.."

- Tiger Lily by Matchbook Romance

A few days ago, as I was working beyond office hours, a few old memories came flashing back. Like how I used to look forward to seeing someone right after that. Or perhaps during on calls when no matter how tired I was, I would not mind seeing that familiar face.

I found myself sobbing over what's lost. It would not be right to get back for all the wrong reasons, when I know that I had given enough chances. To be hurt and recover repeatedly... to what extent can the heart bear such pain? To what extent can the heart repair itself? To what extent can the mind subconsciously block bitter memories so that new ones can be made and cherished?

It was just a couple of months ago that I dared bringing up the topic of marriage to my mother. And barely days after that, I was made to feel how terrible of a person I am. That marriage is something I fear. That how fearful it is to put your neck on that chopping board, hand a man a knife, and trusting in him not to slam it down. Threat by threat. Humiliation by humiliation.

At this point, I am giving it a rest.

I looked at my parents. I looked at my patients. At times, I'd feel so exhausted that to walk just another pace, to extend a limb just to reach those instruments, to reorganise my mind and plan my treatments, become such a struggle, my knees feel like they're about to give way.

I will stay on my own. Sacrifice my life for people I might not even see a few weeks later. Sacrifice my life for my parents. I don't have much good deeds, but I know that God is All-Just. May these little ones bring peace in me.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

carefree

It feels good to have all my siblings under one roof. The last time we had such opportunity was during our Cairo trip. Before that, we last saw our youngest brother, Ahmad, almost 2 years ago.

I feel at ease.

Trying to recall the times I felt like this...

Perhaps during those night drives with my two juniors, Acap and Ziyad. Roaming aimlessly in Kelantan, listening to metal music, occasionally stopping at random beaches, just enjoying the sea and good food. Our jamming sessions at a mediocre studio near the university. Lower lip pierced. And I was the batch leader. I had people staring at me disapprovingly but really. Like I cared.

Or maybe when I was a kid, playing in a monsoon drain because normal children slides were overrated. Sliding down a slope on a paperbox sounded like a great idea. It still does now.

Or maybe during highschool, when it felt cool to skip classes and flee from our late-discipline teacher. I can still remember his faded jade green Toyota Unser, a cane in his right hand. Coming to school at 8am like it's no one's damn business.

Perhaps when I was offered a place at this OMF surgery department. Finally, free from school treatments, workplace politics, and paperworks! Free from a cheater and all his baggage too. Life felt so good at that time. I was up for an adventure I had little idea about. I knew it'd mean chucking my personal life aside, but, it's so worth it.

Or maybe now that I can do whatever and whenever I want. For myself. Not for anyone else. Like how I knew it wasn't an urgency to change the under tray cover of my car and yet, I prefer every part of my car to be intact, so I straight away drove to the service center and submitted its payment. Paid and ordered myself 3 pairs of my usual powered contact lenses because I hate waiting for the order to arrive every damn month. It feels best when you do something for your own sake.