tune your teeth

another

2012-01-25T01:29:00.000+08:00

I've been waiting for it, and yet... things don't seem positive at all. I've got to let you go. I have to... but I can't seem to bring myself to do so :(

heart, please be strong

2012-01-17T21:43:00.001+08:00

Sigh... at times being truthful backfires yourself. I hate lying. Everyone said 'honesty is the best policy', but not every soul mean it. That's why I find philosophical people annoying sometimes because they get into that mode whenever they find it convenient.

Why did you ask me not to lie to you when all you want to hear is that everything is going great and brilliant here?

Why didn't you pay attention when I called you and my eyes were welled up?

Why didn't you take me seriously when I said I feel like giving up? I talk the talk, but I also walk the walk. Which means... whatever I say, I usually mean it.

Why didn't you try to understand that I too have my own limits? That I too have my own weaknesses? Only one wrongful deed and everything else is disregarded.

Why did you need a third party to convey the message that I was not alright to you? Why didn't you believe these words coming from my mouth?

I don't feel like going back home at times like this, but then, some will say that I'm not being thankful. Nevertheless, I have feelings too. I'm not a robot ready to strike everytime you order me to. I have this beating organ in my thoracic cage called heart. I'm a human... like the rest of you.

you decide

2012-01-04T21:39:00.001+08:00

I hate seeing people giving up. It's sometimes true that to let go is sometimes best, but it's also true that you should know when to do so. What I experienced isn't the worst thing life can offer me, but I did experience my own dark time and Alhamdulillah, I broke through that period. Ditched by a lot of people. Tried to end my life. Failed a few papers. Abused. Humiliated in front of my precious ones. Out of control of my own emotions. Been there, done that. If there's one thing that I am absolutely sure after all those events, it is to give your best fight regardless of anything anyone might say to you. The first step to this is to recognise your troubles. Next is to seek help when you think you can't fight on your own. Unfortunately, humans are egocentric creatures. Shy? Too tired of fighting? No one can help you? No one understands you? The list goes on and on, but they are all just excuses. At the end of each challenge, I find that the thing that is hardest to fight is... myself - the very entity that I'm struggling to control even up to this second. So, fight, friend... fight. I hate seeing you living that life. No one said things will be easy, but none said that they're impossible to handle either.

At times, opening your mind to more things will help. Try to escape that usual daily routine. Try something new. Life has a lot of things to offer you.

blank

2011-12-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

What was I thinking? Who was I trying to kid? My heart aches so much at the sight of it.

If there's such thing as an 'undo' button for any event in this life, I'd undo that event. I'd seal my heart in the first place. Now what's left is for me to pick its pieces up and try to glue them together for the umpteenth time. That is if the glue will work. Oh, heart... stay in my mediastinum. Don't leave this safe zone, protected by the numerous layers and thoracic cage. You can't survive another fall. You know you can't. All these four limbs shall protect you at all cost. Be at peace, oh, dear heart.

it's the bandSHIT thing :)

2011-12-24T15:21:00.000+08:00

A picture taken some time ago during MEDSOC 2011

First thing first, I'm going to say this - I really will miss these guys when I graduate. These are the most hardworking and talented band members I have ever worked with so far. And yet, all of them are so humble. Most importantly the respect we have for each other, always taking into account each other's opinions. Therefore, I didn't find it troublesome to join them for yet a few more performances this year even though I'm in my final year of DDS.

So here's a video of us performing yesterday. Practised for a total of four hours only because all of us had some other commitments, especially academically. That's what you get when you try to form a band made up of medical and dental students. I remember someone saying this to me, "Kau sibuk dengan band belajar karang terkontang-kanting. Tak payah lah", but I also remember getting better result than this douche till this day. You, madam, should think and see who you're talking to before saying things like that. Frankly, I don't mind not being the top one among my peers because in my point of view, as long as I surpass the level of a mediocre, still competent, and is still a safe practising dental student, then it's still fine. I don't want to be the person who boasts of her academical excellence and nothing else. In layman term, takda life. TROLOLOLOL. So anyway, this might be our very last performance together. All of us shall be sitting for our respective exams in March. Me? I gotta cover five years worth of syllabus. I don't want to waste the effort I poured for the past four years either. So it's time for the books now :)

On a totally different note, for you, who did this... you're old enough to be able to see the line between a lecturer and a student. Even if that person was your peer, you should've respected her as well. Nobody's always right. You can try to reason at times, but you, dear, should know when to stop. Gain respect rather than fear because if anyone is too scared of telling something straight to your face, you're nothing but a self-centered dictator. Being outspoken is good, but being insensitive and sensible are two totally different things. So be an outspoken but sensible person rather than an insensitive scumbag who shoves everybody away from herself and later complains about it. And respect your leader because there's no point of appointing one if you can't understand the simple concept of hierarchy.

new neighbours

2011-12-19T00:13:00.000+08:00

Geez, when will I finally go to the physiotherapy lab and get this shoulder fixed? "Time isn't a luxury of mine", my new neighbour, Huzaifah aka "Boss" (as Ah Beh and I dub him), said. True that. I've never felt so focused at finishing something before. Never paid this much attention to my clinical requirements. Debates, presentations every couple of months, patients posing challenges to you, taking care of another family, laboratory works, I need to be more serious.

Finally, I get to relax tonight. Thought about a few things which may be beneficial... or not. I recently attended Borneo Night 2011, my first ever experience attending the event. Four years had passed and I thought - why not? It's my final year as an undergraduate here, insya Allah. Surpassed my expectation, it did, well at least it was better than the other event I went to about two weeks ago. An event which I honestly think my auditory hair cells committed suicide after listening to a few banshees-in-disguise shrieking on the stage - didn't anyone do a sound check or were they just plain tone deaf? It's not a free show, so the audience deserved getting entertained at least in a more appropriate manner.

So, anyway, I actually considered working in Sabah or Sarawak. A change of scene again perhaps? I mean, originating from Subang Jaya, studied in Kuala Pilah for a year - a very humble place. A good place to focus on my studies, nonetheless. Then five years in Kelantan? A sudden change, but I am learning so much while I'm in this place. So, why not Sabah or Sarawak next? For a start, apart from my family members and a few friends, I don't really feel attached to Subang Jaya anymore. People change. I change. I'm no longer comfortable with some people, mayhap, I'm too much of an alien now, but you know... one of the wonders of life - you lose some, you gain some, and at times, you gain more in exchange. Albeit having such thought, I shall obey Umi's order - to get a job somewhere near to my home. In the mean time, back to the books, journals, and clinics!

lipas dan salah call orang

2011-12-01T21:48:00.005+08:00

Thanks to Wani who uploaded a picture of an apam with a roach embedded deep inside it - so deep that I - an expert at detecting a cockroach was fooled - and now people are asking me whether I have other ridiculous nicknames apart from Peah and Poyom. Wani, darnnnnnn.

Then, last week I mistaken Ashraf - my ex-schoolmate - for Asyraf Hamzah, my junior here. I confidently asked Ashraf about our 'supposedly weekly night out'. That awkward moment. Really. I mean, I hadn't met that lad for ages and suddenly - O_O

So it's December already. How fast time flies. Today, I decided to give myself a break since my body temperature began to rise this evening and I hadn't had fever since four months ago which I am proud of ^_^ See, I usually get acute pharyngitis every two months because my immunity system isn't that good, just as the rest of my siblings are. So, I shall confine myself to my bed tonight :)

The 9th Student Scientific Conference is finally over, so glad, so relieved, no more research reports to be done (while I'm still an undergraduate :P) ^_^ Hurrah!

Now, this is the truest reason I didn't post any entry this past fortnight:

Can I has food?

Taken from www.9gag.com

I'm a meme comic hunter now. So far, I had finished reading a few of such blogs (and still keeping myself updated on them hur hurrr). If I get to finish 9gag, I'll declare myself... er... er... meme addict level 100000000?

Decided to change myself a wee bit. I gotta start to wake up earlier during weekends. So I did today. Let's see how things go tomorrow.

my happiness

2011-11-12T23:57:00.003+08:00

My hand skills used to be very bad that denture-making and paediatric dentistry skill classes would be the thing I dreaded the most when I was in my second and third years of DDS. What more when I was involved in an accident during which I injured my left shoulder when the car back-flipped 4-5 times and my left hand was shaking for almost three weeks. So I forced myself to redo everything until the result is acceptable, at least to my own eyes. Until my hand skills slowly improved - but that didn't come easy. I cried almost everyday most probably because I was so disappointed with myself, not being able to produce good result when others' products seemed so much better.

Alhamdulillah, everything improved tremendously. Allah won't test you beyond your limit. Alhamdulillah again, I was granted a paediatric patient who initially came with such poor oral hygiene and so many tooth cavities, I had to reinforce her oral hygiene twice and finally, she became my very first patient to score such good result for oral hygiene three times in a row. She's even willing to walk all the way from her house to the clinic just to get treated - of which I'd be worried of her safety every single time. Last week, I received an invitation to her birthday party, but I wasn't in Kelantan. So I bought her a birthday present instead. Frankly, whatever she did for herself and me is way more than this little present. If only all paediatric patients have such good attitude, but I guess everyone comes with their own way of being brought up and genetic make-up. To learn to handle a variety of cases is crucial to shape us into becoming good dentists. She made my paediatric dentistry sessions so much enjoyable :) Thank you, dear patient.

sketch

2011-11-11T22:49:00.000+08:00

trolly

2011-11-10T00:36:00.004+08:00

Taken from www.trolldadcomic.com

I can't seem to stop reading Meme comic (the above is an excerpt from it). A stress-relieving thing to do after a tiring day at the clinic and lab. We have just entered our second week of clinical practice - being on our own (without an assistant), things have been quite tough, but I guess it's just a matter of time to get used to everything - the new system, new dental chair, and stuff.

Yesterday, I was beyond exhaustion to only being able to go back at 7pm because there were lots of prosthodontics-related things to settle at the lab. For some reasons, I prefer to do the lab works myself rather than handing them to my dental technician (just to practise some hand skills :P) except for teeth arrangement which consumes too much time. I was at the brink of giving up on walking back and forth between the dental school and my hostel. See, I'm trying to live a healthier life. Had been driving between both points last year, but my weight caught up fast which was a HUGE NO-NO! I forgot that I had neither gotten a proper lunch nor bought myself anything for dinner. Having diagnosed with gastritis a month ago and boy was I so proud that I didn't have that thing when my colleagues were all having it, I had to get something to gobble on. So I bought a few packets of instant noodle at Mydin. My left shoulder was aching (yay I haven't gone to physiotherapy department because I was too damn lazy to move during breaks) and I said to myself, "Gosh, I feel like giving up at trying to fulfill all my clinical requirements". Suddenly, a staff there walked pass me. He was pushing trolleys.

Hey, I saw this man before. Many times already.

He rarely smiles, but I had never seen him taking a break or slacking around. And I learned that I was being very ungrateful. That man had been doing the same job for months already and never once did he give up on it and I'm only entering my second week of dental practice in this final year of DDS. Who was I trying to kid? A boost for my spirit, Alhamdulillah :)

I believe that if you really pay attention to your surroundings, you'll appreciate yourself and everything that you still have more. Finally, you'll want to give your best in everything.

Anyway, I've been bumping into this medical officer at a cafe nearby. He had the sides of his hair shaved - (in a stylish way of course, not in the uhm.. r****t way haha) the very reason he caught my attention. Always appropriately dressed up, but also pale and tired-looking most of the time. Last morning, while I was queuing up for an elderly patient, I heard someone muttering impatiently. It was that lad! He was standing right behind me - TOKI DOKI! Haha, what a foolish thought. Ah well, just another day passing by.

Anyway, I just noticed that I forgot to pass up one of my logbooks. Darn!

hands down

2011-11-05T01:32:00.004+08:00

White flag, I give up, man. I thought that some people are worth hanging on to - well at least, after months of being progressively worn out, I actually hoped I could talk to someone about everything - rejunevation? I'm not sure. It might be more of trying to lighten the burden I heave on my shoulders and to relieve this heaviness in my chest even in a minute amount, but I guess, the people you can depend on are so few you can count using fingers on only one of your hands. I'm a pessimist at times but I consider myself optimistic when the circumstance requires me to, and I'm neither always filled with unnecessary angst nor do I get easily provoked at that, but I guess at this point, I just can't see other way out apart from giving up and putting an end to it. I don't see the point of turning back either. So, yeah, I guess this is goodbye, friend. Had some great time in the past and thanks for it but that's that.

esh pee esh esh

2011-11-01T00:11:00.003+08:00

No, that's not the facial expression I display when I'm doing my private business, but that's how my face looked like during last two days as I was trying to finish my research manuscript (is it the same as a thesis? Heck, I honestly have no idea) - the same expression I showed when I tried to steal some time here and there, during operation theaters, treating patients, just name it (okay, I lied. Only on certain occasions which could be spared) just to put a few pieces of the puzzle into place.

That's the very face I showed when I tried to play around with SPSS Statistics v19.0 software (everyone loves to upload tutorials on Adobe Aftereffects, Photoshop, and etc, but heyyyy SPSS needs more of them!! GAHHHHH!! Yeah, I tried to learn it through Youtube - epic fail - not to be attempted when time constraint is something you should take into consideration). They said that being able to manipulate the software is like cracking a Pandora. It's initially hard to understand and yaddah yaddah but all your effort will pay off. Well, uhm... TO HELL WITH IT!!! I didn't have the time, and it's so darn hard to use it, not without a manual book in my hands (okay, dear statisticians, I dub thee - the Masters of Pandorahhh), not after I had an intravenous infusion of Tramal the day before yesterday, and boy, that thing made me all groggy. I think I slept for a total of 16 hours yesterday. So, my final resort was to go all manual at statistics the next day. Blargh. Hello again, Microsoft Excel.

24 hours later (a.k.a a few minutes before this entry)...

That's Grade I Mallampati for you! Alhamdulillah, my research manuscript was finally completed! I feel like dancing but I think I'm catching a cold and my roommate is peacefully sleeping. I hate seeing a Sleeping Beauty suddenly transform into the Green Hulk unnecessarily.

Besides, I think it's time for me to...

... sleep peacefully today. Haven't had a peaceful night for quite some time. Alhamdulillah for everything :')

Oh, before I end my entry for tonight, here's a cool picture....

Nyieh heh heh heh. Goodnight ;)

am i sane enough?

2011-10-29T22:29:00.002+08:00

I'm going crazy I'm going crazy I'm going crazy this research report is killing me by creating a previously non-existent boredom so malignant it's out of my control now. Ok bye.

when should one finally give up

2011-10-28T01:58:00.005+08:00

I hate your short replies. I hate your insensitive nature. I hate those minutes of travelling back, hoping I would arrive to see something changing. I hate it when you start to disregard this communication. I hate your cold self, but what I hate the most is how endlessly I put hopes in you.

the weekly summary

2011-10-23T02:01:00.003+08:00

This week is coming to its end. Alhamdulillah, albeit a rocky one, again, I came out stronger mentally and emotionally. Most importantly, the true colours of certain people were revealed, although in a less desirable manner and my initial judgment was proven faulty. And for some other people, their impressive loyalty and trustworthiness were made obvious, even in such critical condition. It's true then, you can't suppress your inner demon or angel when you're being put under stressful condition. Some will hold to the principle of honesty is the best policy, but for others, telling lies seems to be the easier method of escapism. Nevertheless, the thing about telling lies is once you start one, you'll be troubled to build the whole framework to make them seem genuine - finally you're an established hypocrite. At one point, you'll live a restless life, fearing others will do the same thing to you. I don't want to live that life even if that comes at the cost of being hated by less tolerant people.

Whenever I feel bothered here, I'd remember a friend's words, "Z, you have a life apart from the one you're living in that wretched place. You have so many other friends and they are just like 0.1% of your life, if not less. Always give your best because you know that in the end, whatever happens, we'll all be here by your side, welcoming you home. Forgive them who can't accept others as if the rest are extraterrestrial. Remember that sometimes, ignorance is bliss. You can't save everything and everyone especially when your own affairs are out of hand". Come to think of it, yeah, I have so many more important friends, who I grew up with for more than a decade already. Quality over quantity. That's another principle of mine. I guess I made that right decision two years ago ;) If I hadn't done so, I would've drowned in misery this very second, but I'm not, Alhamdulillah :D

Speaking of which, I met Anisah yesterday :) She's getting her piloting license, how cool is that! Perhaps I can ask her to fly me to some place someday. Haha! Opportunist I is (evil laugh). Getting to talk with someone from my childhood really felt... er... enlightening? I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Dang, I forgot to take a picture of us together =_=" Oh well, I have still less than a year here, what am I rushing for? I'm supposed to rush at finishing the report for my research instead! Alhamdulillah, I discovered that my abstract does not need any correction to be done. Since there are quite a number of plans to be executed this coming week, ha, that'll save me more time :)

Let's put everything aside. So, I don't get to relax during this weekend because classes which were supposed to be going on during Deepavali were held earlier. 8am to 5pm activities as usual, but I think I'm falling in love with anaesthesiology. As Yiying said, anaesthetists are like angels ensuring the patients pain-free before, during, and even after being operated on. I think I was being ridiculous when I actually thought of meeting an anaesthetist similar to the one I watched in a Japanese drama - Team Medical Dragon. In the drama, the anaesthetist would always get stoned because he'd experiment some of the anaesthetic drugs on himself. That'd be a dream! A sinful one of course =_="

Approximately a fortnight ago, my juniors - Jiamin, Ziyad, Mike, Sarah, Jack, Acap; Yiying, and I performed for the 2011 MEDSOC Course Night - the first ever to be held in USM Kubang Kerian. To save time, we performed the same songs we did the previous week.

The band

Who knows that Jack who looks geeky is actually a good rapper! Even his pronunciation was good :D And Jiamin, I have no idea which note she can't hit!

From left to right: Me, Sarah, Jack, Hazwan, Mike, Ziyad, and Acap

Sitting: Jiamin and Yiying

Mike (the drummer) and I

Quoting Mike, "Kak, I hate racism, man! But you know what, I'm a ROCKSTAR! I'm beyond racism". If only everyone thinks the same (putting aside the rockstar part haha) :P Tapi, Allah ciptakan manusia yang berlain-lain kaumnya agar kita boleh belajar dari satu sama lain. And yeah, the last person I'd want to meet or know is another me. That'd be horrendous!

all the right

2011-10-19T23:58:00.006+08:00

I have all the right to feel angry right now. Hold on, I'm not quite right there.

Daripada Abu Hurairah r.a. bahawasanya seorang lelaki berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w. “Berwasiatlah kepadaku, “Lalu Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” Orang itu mengulangi permintaan beberapa kali, Nabi s.a.w menjawab: “Janganlah engkau menjadi seorang yang pemarah.” (HR Bukhari)

I am filled with anger so much I sped to Tok Bali, hoping I'd hit certain people by chance. I guess my whole family including myself - we are workaholics. Ayah and Umi had reminded me repeatedly that I tend to be too kind to some people who apparently are completely blind to it, even though that means sustaining heavy workload. Why the blindness? Because for some people, badmouthing is just way too sinfully enjoyable without even thinking of its consequences. It's best to describe it as the start to a chain-reaction which finally produces hatred at an exponential rate. Self-limiting or not, I have no idea myself. But in the end, we'll have to question ourselves... apart from the buildup of hatred we gain... in which way is it actually beneficial? Personally, if I am clouded with doubts, I'd rather ask the source straight away. If you'd like to get an answer (for some reasons, textbooks aren't available) and be sure of it, do you ask your colleagues for it? Of course, that's an option, but you'll most probably get a mixture of answers and in the end, you'll still be in doubt, but what's worse is when you start assuming things. So the best is to ask a lecturer, the master of that field - the source.

“Sesungguhnya mengada-adakan kebohongan hanyalah orang-orang pendusta” (Al-Nahl:105)

Dan dipertegas oleh sabda Rasulullah:
“Tidak masuk surga orang yang menghambur-hamburkan fitnah” (suka mengadu domba) (HR Abu Dawud dan At Tharmudzi)

And regarding badmouthing others behind their back,

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W. bermaksud: "Awaslah daripada mengumpat kerana mengumpat ‎itu lebih berdosa daripada zina. Sesungguhnya orang melakukan zina, apabila dia ‎bertaubat, Allah akan menerima taubatnya. Dan sesungguhnya orang yang melakukan ‎umpat tidak akan diampunkan dosanya sebelum diampun oleh orang yang diumpat" ‎‎(Hadis riwayat Ibnu Abib Dunya dan Ibnu Hibbad).

I don't ask for your gratefulness. I don't ask you to say, "Thanks, Z". I don't ask you to trust me fully. I don't whine when I have to chase after those lecturers just to get a number of seminars scheduled. I don't say, "You guys are the ones who are supposed to do this". I don't get angry for no reason. I don't spread lies and fitnahs about others. Unfortunately, being slightly different (I'm proudly a Subangian and we don't live your typical life here) means letting yourself so vulnerable to assumptions. If you're too enthusiastic they'll call you a geek. If you keep silent, they'll assume you're busy planning or executing some mischievous plans. If you're neutral, then you're a loner, that you don't have a life. I don't mind being the target much but when it affects my friends too, my tolerance level will drop to such a low level, and I'll most probably lash out.

I'd like to share a story Ayah told me when I was little:

A father, his son, and their camel were on a journey. Someone came and said to them, "Oh, pity your son. Let him ride the camel. He must be very tired". So, the son rode it until another lad came up and said to them, "Oh, pity your father. Your old father is the one who should be on the camel. He must be exhausted", and the son looked at his father. "What should we do, father?". "Why don't we ride the camel together?", his father proposed. So, they shared the animal until someone came and said, "Oh, pity the camel. Both of you are riding it, how torturing!". So, both of them ended up walking alongside the camel. Then another person came and said, "What are camels for if not for riding".

Finally, the father said to his son, "Do you see, son? No matter what we do, it will never satisfy everyone".

“Sama saja bagi mereka apakah kamu memberi peringatan kepada mereka
ataukah kamu tidak memberi peringatan kepada mereka, mereka tidak akan
beriman”(Yasin:10)

And for this, once again, I recall Ayah telling me a few years ago when I cried because a 'friend' back-stabbed me and I finally succumbed to disappointment.

"Siapa cipta manusia?" Ayah asked me.

"Allah", I answered.

"Jadi, siapa yang cipta hati manusia?".

"Allah".

"Haaa, tahu pun, doa itu adalah senjata orang Islam. Doa seikhlas hati minta Allah bukakan hati orang-orang tertentu. Dah, jangan menangis, nak". "Kalau kita tutup keaiban orang, Allah akan tutup keaiban kita. Kalau dicari keaiban orang, mesti akan jumpa. Orang yang terlalu mencari keaiban orang lainlah jenis orang yang rasa diri sentiasa betul".

Iman does not rely ultimately on what you post on your Facebook wall or blog. Iman does not rely ultimately on how you appear superficially. Beriman itu kan harus dengan hati, perkataan, dan perbuatan. Kalau pakaian sudah elok, tetapi bicaranya tidak enak, kan sudah tidak lengkap?

In the end, we have ourselves, Allah, and the guidance Allah gave us to decide on our actions. As long as you are sure that you're on the right track, afraid not. Even if every single soul leaves you, you still have your Creator listening to your every word and intentions, watching your every deed. And for all your sadness, Allah expiates your sins. Wallahua'lam.

I am very thankful that although my parents are strict, they shaped me well into a strong person who is capable of executing my jobs well, even if no one is willing to assist me. Of course, we live in a community and a community is like the framework of a building - we should rely on one and another, but I consider myself a pillar on its foundation. When the rest of it collapses I want to still be able to stand. I want to support others so they can stand strong too even if that means having myself being stepped on. Thank you, Umi and Ayah :) I love you both.

And to close the curtain (LOL), I'd like to quote someone saying, "I will always win in debates, except when the debator is a fool. I can never win that". So let us all be wise people ;)

2011-10-11T19:58:00.002+08:00

For the first time ever, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I'm already a final year student. Yeah, I have that "Nur Zahirah | Pelajar Pergigian 5" name tag pinned on my white coat, but never have I actually thought of it much because all of us started our final year in DDS. With medical postings, so most of the time, we're somewhat off the hook whenever any specialist or medical officer where we're being posted at shoots us with questions (they usually stop halfway when we inform them that we're dental students)... of course, until a specialist who used to teach us during our previous phases comes and stops us in the midst of chickening out, telling everyone, "No, no, no, their medical knowledge is as good as the medical students'. I was one of their examiners during OSCE exam". Still, since we're DENTAL students after all, things'd get significantly stressful when we actually begin our dental clinical session. When we know that little time is left for us to fill our brain with enough knowledge to face the world as a dentist - above all else - a SAFE and responsible dentist.

From left to right: Jiamin, Acap, Jack, Mike, Ziyad, me, and Yiying

Yesterday was my very last time of attending Malam Raya Persatuan Sains Pergigian as an undergraduate student, insya Allah. We received a loud applause, I guess we did a good job after all the hardwork, last minute decision, obstacles, and etc. The most dedicated band members I have ever worked with so far. Tang Jiamin, Asyraf Hamzah, Jack Chan Wah Loong, Michael Teoh Wee Jing, Mohamad Ziyad, and last but not least - my android yang rock - Teh Yi Ying, thank you for giving me such a good memory to keep :') Thank you for everything.

The past week was quite tough. Had so much to do and yet so little energy left as I was down with pharyngitis and food poisoning, but I tried my best whenever I could. Alhamdulillah, praises to Allah, for lending me the energy to complete all those tasks. A responsibility is still a responsibility even if you try to twist things around. As long as you have accepted one, execute it well. Itu ialah amanah yang diberi pada kamu. The first thing I did when I entered my room after everything was tidying up my bedroom. It had been a week and a half since I last changed my bed sheet. Since I have eczema, sleeping on the same bed sheet for more than a week would mean experiencing severe itchiness and rashes. Well, everything is back on its track now. Alhamdulillah.

the best ones

2011-10-01T22:28:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for lending me a few people to me that I feel strong enough to face the world.

Teh Yi Ying, my human machine. A very responsible person, who will always execute any task given to her with her best effort - and because of that regardless how busy she gets, she'll always do fine during exams. A person you can count on to accompany you when you feel somewhat sad late at night. Someone you can laugh your heart out even over small little things. The most humble person I've ever met, honestly.

Norhafizah Mohamed, my motherly friend. My most hardworking friend, who even when encountering so many obstacles, she still stands strong - and for her every ATP used, she deserves her excellent results. The very person I can tell my every trouble and insecurity to. The one for whom I won't mind being nagged by Umi just to visit her house during raya. A sensitive but also the most sensible one.

Nur Azizah Abdul Hadi, my most independent friend. This is the very person who will survive even if she gets stranded on an island on her own. A Coolblog addict (but for some reasons, I can't tolerate this drink at all). The one who you can drag to any delicious restaurants, even hawker stalls, and you'd be sure she'll enjoy the food in one way or another. A 'poker face' master - a calm one, except when it comes to a few 'girly stuff' - of which she'd blush helplessly even if her facial expression doesn't say so. Whose ultimate weakness is - ghost stories :D

Man I love these people. Oh how I wish we'd all end up working near each other's clinic/hospital, but ah well. What are highways, aeroplanes, and all sort of communication modalities for?

the reason

2011-09-26T01:39:00.005+08:00

Saw Zak Vee's post on Fb and the caption of it was LOLling in the Deep. Terasa pulak because Ziyad, Jiamin, Acap, Mike, and I (the sorta thing only Mike would call as 'BANDSHIP' with capital letters haha) will be performing that song for this coming Course Night for medical students. Ah, finally good players who are actually more opened to any suggestion. It took me four years to find them :) Come to think of it, I met Ayien when he was already in his final year of DDS and jamming with him was great! :D

So anyway, for some reasons, I seem to be a uhm... disorder magnet? Can I call it so? It seems to be so when it comes to Wani and I, but personally I find it enlightening. As I had quoted numerous times in the past:

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 70, Number 545

Narrated Abu Sa'id Al-Khudri and Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that."

I guess these are my free chances to abolish my sins :) Most recent one - as mentioned before, I was diagnosed to have arthritis secondary to trauma (previous accident involvement), hence, the numerous types of painkillers prescribed to me. Nonetheless, I hate taking them because there's no such thing as a drug/medication without any side effect. Besides, they are just painkillers - for symptomatic relief but NOT for therapeutic purpose So I just ignored the pain except during periods of exacerbation. Yesterday, during the usual morning ward round, my friends and I were whispering. My hands were on my hips until all of a sudden, my left hand slipped because my shoulder somehow slid to the back slightly and I experienced intense pain radiating from my left shoulder to the back of my left arm. Macam nak menangis gua, risau nikmat tangan ditarik balik. I asked Yiying to pull my left hand until it was fully extended and then POP! My shoulder was back to normal and perhaps I was too ecstatic and while I was trying to abduct my shoulder POP! It slid out again! My eyes began to well up with tears, not because of the pain, but it was due to anxiety. I was very worried. I asked Yiying to do the same thing again and Alhamdulillah, it slid back into its place.

Nonetheless, just to be safe, I sought medical attention and the lovely doctor (a new doc in Klinik Pelajar) said that I should've underwent physiotherapy a long time ago. "How can you stand the pain for two years already?", she asked me and I kept silent. I didn't want to say, "Frankly, I saw three docs due to this problem already, but everytime I did, the answer was the same - just take these painkillers. Nothing much can be done about it". If she were to say the same thing to me, I might break down at that very second, mayhap due to frustration. For my every patient's sake, I use my upper limbs a lot. I'm a dental student and I will become a dentist soon, with Allah's will. But she was very nice and I didn't have the heart to say so. To cut things short, she referred me to the physiotherapy lab here, that I might gain benefit from this rather than taking painkillers alone, and that things seem to be worsening that it should be halted. If only all docs are this nice and sensitive. Alhamdulillah. Niat, usaha, doa, dan tawakkal akhirnya berhasil.

Speaking of which... if a friend can't even handle me having all these problems, I don't think he/she is worth befriending. Might as well keep a distance from this person.

elective elective electivvvve

2011-09-21T23:38:00.006+08:00

Apparently my elective research is still here haunting me. Just to get 199 samples, I had to read 1400 medical folders. And currently, the system initially utilised in this research which is the maxillofacial injury severity score system was unsuitable due to poor documentation. So I had to switch to another system which is the abbreviated injury scale system which seemed to have PREVIOUS STUDIES conducted involving it before. And if you guys did statistics before, you'll know that we have to take into account whatever result derived from those studies in order for you to count your own sample size. I was taken aback for awhile as I hate to see my sample size inflate because it's so damned hard to find acceptable samples! As mentioned before, the average chance of getting an acceptable sample is one in every seven folders. Which means - let's say I need to add another ten samples, I need SEVENTY folders more. So I consulted my supervisor, Dr Abdullah Pohchi, who is also an oral maxillofacial surgeon. Alhamdulillah! He suggested me to skip the recalculation and proceed with whatever I have, but I need to add another criteria to be analysed - in other means, I need to request all 210 folders I reviewed before. Still, that's better than having my sample size inflated. You might even find me trying to jump off the hospital building nearby if that happens. Lawak sejuk aja, but I'm glad nevertheless.

the grip was lost

2011-09-20T15:37:00.002+08:00

A week had passed. And I still can't wipe those visions off my mind. Sigh... why did I actually think I was strong enough to see everything?

Had ECG (electrocardiogram - to check electrical activities in the heart) done quite some time ago, just for fun. I record patients' ECG for fun when I feel bored during my attachment to the emergency department, in another way, I'd lift some burden off the nurses' shoulders. It was clear, but here I am. Sleep deprived, and feeling chest discomfort. Basically I wake up every couple of hours for no reason. At times, I'd wake up to my own whine. I tried to cheer myself up this past week, at times, it'd work, but at nights, it'd fail horribly. The headache localised on my temporal area is getting more intense from time to time. Everything just because of an incident a week ago. Perhaps I should try seeing more of this, so I'd be numb.

I wish I have someone to take me away from this place just for awhile, and let me clear my head. I wish I can break down in front of someone and feel perfectly fine instead of embarrassed - as I usually feel. I wish I can be the real me at times. I feel caged. Nonetheless, I know... once I get a grip on this, everything will be just okay. Be assure, Zahirah. Be assure.

Weird isn't it? Most people will tell more on Facebook (now we're comparing virtual spaces only alright), but personally blog feels cozier. Like sitting on a soft couch, reading thriller novels, having a good cup of espresso, with a few good puffs. That's my idea of coziness.

2011-09-19T01:54:00.001+08:00

I wish this will go somewhere... somehow. Sigh.

Zahirah, you gotta study harder. Hwarghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

snail brain

2011-09-18T04:58:00.002+08:00

It had been super super long since I last studied on Fridays (weekend for Kelantan). Perhaps it's time to change gears for more power. After two months of leaving all these textbooks, I am intrigued to have my brain scanned and if signs of degeneration are evident, it will not come as a surprise. Remembering mnemonics aren't much of a pain in the ass, but it's a jab when I can't remember what those initials stand for. Full throttle!!!

Finally weekends are here. I'm currently attached to the Accident and Emergency department of HUSM. A good place to start as the specialists are so warm toward us. Of course, all of us, the dental students, can never run from being showered with sarcastic remarks such as, "I don't understand the reason you're here. This isn't related to you at all. Maybe one day there'll be a patient who'd be brought over on a stretcher, requesting for crowns", but eventually we got to persuade a few medical officers to share their knowledge with us and I'm perfectly fine with that.

Still, there are those oh-I-feel-so-dumb-right-now moments during revision and I'd feel like crying, feeling very disappointed of myself. It may hap because I don't know what to do just to take my mind off things when the brain approaches its boiling point. For a start, I don't have snacks on my shelves (monosodium glutamate makes me dizzy and sleepy, while minty sweets make my tummy go all gassy. Killjoy!). I have a handful of games installed but once I start playing them, my biological clock will go erratic and I'll start sleeping at 6am and waking up at 4pm. I don't want that kind of life anymore. It's too tiring. I have thriller novels, but I won't stop until I reach the epilogue. At times, I'd drive alone. Speed soothes my mind, but I can't do that everyday. I need KA-CHING! More importantly, most drivers here are rude and dangerous. I don't fancy another accident. I can call a few friends, do some catching ups, but I'm not a fan of that. And I'm not much of a 'texting' person either. I can play my electrical guitar, Mr Mike, but it's too bothersome to turn on the amp and plug this and that in (yes, I'm a sloth at times). So in the end, I equipped myself with Merci dark choc. Normally, I'd have a cup of coffee instead, but some smart ass stole my water boiler as well as my rice cooker. Argh. Spare me some wastage, man. I can't afford buying those stuff every single year for five consecutive years. They don't come cheap.

More reasons for some KA-CHING! - today my cornering lights went dead. Not to mention my center brake light died three weeks ago... aaaaand my low beam headlamps died countless of months ago. Will send it to a workshop tomorrow. Ish, typical perempuan ni kalau tak jaga kereta punya well-being. Cannot like dat you knowww.

Two days ago, the pain on my left shoulder worsened that my mood went down the drain. So I sought medical attention. The doc said that it's arthritis (OA?) secondary to trauma (referring to the accident which I was involved in two years ago). Drat! Satu lagi peluang untuk hilangkan dosa gua, insya Allah.

Well anyway, I had just finished tidying my room up. Bought a few stuff (setakat yang termampu dengan keadaan kewangan yang meleset di kala biasiswa JPA masih berada dalam genggaman bucik-bucik USM yang seronok melalui kerenah birokrasi dan menjalankan kerja dengan efisen) and redecorated my room. Since this is my final year in DDS., insya Allah, might as well make it a memorable one - with a nice room of course. Unfortunately, a few people who used to live in this room decided to be pricks and left numerous unsightly markings here and there. If only we, students, are allowed to paint our hostel room as we wish, I'd cover these walls with a decent wallpaper :P Oh well, at least, now I don't have to face a dump after a tiring day in the clinic :)

I sure miss having a labret on. During my visit to Bandung a couple of months ago, I even purchased two labrets - hoping to finally have one on once I complete my DDS. Speaking of which, I recall receiving a somewhat insulting question from my senior, just because I had a labret on. Gosh, I don't even drink. This is just one little wrongful thing I hold close to myself and nothing else. Kalaulah semua orang bersangka baik...

life as we know it

2011-09-16T05:13:00.002+08:00

I had just finished watching a film screened in 2010 - Life as We Know It. Can't believe I shed a few tears watching it.

hello, hello, final year of DDS. :)

2011-09-13T19:53:00.003+08:00

Hello, Kelate. Lo ni saya doh jadi pelajar doktor gigi tahun terakhir. Debar ado, suko ado, tak tahu sero guano. Pah bereh DDS. ni dok ahu bila bulih kecek Kelate lagi... atau hok agi penting... bila perlu kecek Kelate. Hahahaha. Koya molek sero kecek lagu ni kat sini. Tapi takpo, hari ni, saya nok kecek Kelate sikit walaupun sek ye oyak saya kecek supo Sie. Sie tok Sie hok penting sekali pesakit mari jupo kito pehe belako.

Sedar tak sedar, abih empat tahun doh ngaji kat USM ni, masuklah tahun ke lima. Saya tokse wak supo dulu, paceroh duk main game sapa 2-3 pagi (kalau buke 4 pagi :P). Tahun ni kena ngaji kuat sikit. Requirements banyok sengoti nok kejar. Semoga dapat berjaya menghabiskan semuanya, insya Allah. Dok ahu nok ngepek gapo lagi kat sini.

Speaking of which... this reminds me of an incident when Wani, Syafiq, Ahmad, and I were on our way to Ibu's house in Johor Bharu. I bought a packet of fish crackers which was manufactured in Kelate. Written on it was, "Keropok Ikan. Boleh dimakan selalu". "Apa makan selalu? Suka hatilah nak makan bila hahaha", Wani commented, but the thing is... it actually means, "Keropok ikan. Boleh dimakan terus (tak perlu goreng dahulu)" XD

Nevertheless, who am I to laugh at her when this happened to me - Jijah and I were on our way to Kota Bharu and I was in my first year in USM. A sign hung in front of a mosque had "Tutup pintu selalu" (or something like that). I was confused. "Jijah, kenapa nak main-main dengan pintu masjid ni selalu?". She laughed and enlightened me with an explanation later.

blog snob

2011-09-10T05:23:00.002+08:00

Oh! A fortnight had passed since I last blogged and my end of fourth year holiday is coming to its end. It's 5.25am and I don't feel like sleeping. The reasons being I accidently slept for an hour last evening after entertaining Umi's guest and perhaps because there's only eleven hours left before boarding my flight back to Kelate.

Oh yes...

Selamat hari raya eid ul-fitr, everyone. Many apologies if ever I did wrong, intentionally or not.

I find myself being too hypocritical. I'm asking for your forgiveness but here I am, trying so hard to forgive a few people who apparently aren't grateful enough for whatever chances and favour I did them. This very bunch of people who had been causing me problems and I guess I'll just consider it as doing some charity work because honestly, they're too much of a liability to me and whatever I did, it's because of feeling sympathetic and nothing more. Do answer this - what did they provide me apart from companionship when I already have great ones? Oh, leeches... SHOOO!

Zahirah, don't be a meanie.

So recently, I've been reading comments on the increasing number of bloggers who prefer writing in English. "Tak sedar diri Melayu", quoting some of them. Alright, here's the deal. We converse in Malay. We read Malay papers albeit a few of them (such as Harian Metro) had been misquoting news on countless occasions. Then, what's wrong with blogging in English? In my case, I'm just grabbing this opportunity to practise this language because well, apart from having to converse with my patients in Malay, basically, the curriculum is English-based. So don't go all overreacting over small matters and blame your parents for not teaching you this language when you were small or not getting the chance to practise it as the time comes, requiring you to utilise it (such as during presentations or report writing). You only have your ignorance to thank to.

Nevertheless, it's never too late to start working on it for your own good. You have books, movies, songs, and the most accessible one - this thing you're using to read this blog. Go figure! :D And remember... people who speak with British/American/Gossip Girl (can this be accepted as so many are doing this?) accent aren't necessarily good in English. Most of our leaders speak in English with Malaysian accent intelligently and most importantly - making minimal grammatical error. So don't feel inferior. Go go matte (Whazza?).

i remember...

2011-08-27T07:22:00.002+08:00

... getting somewhat heated up with a lad who just began his career as a UD41 dental officer. Of course, I am certain, even to this day, that my companions and I were on the right side. Of course, diplomacy should not be compromised, especially when you're heaving certain responsibilities, in which case, protecting the dignity and pride of certain body/institution was your main priority. Nonetheless, perhaps, being a senior by two year, to this lad is an excuse for him to threaten us in a few ways. Perhaps too, he thought he had the upper hand in this case, but very unfortunate of him, not all students are so vulnerable. Well, actually, we, students, have so many privileges but somehow some of us are just too ignorant to notice and utilise most of them optimally. Nevertheless, never forget not to lose your head and disrespect others just to achieve a few goals. Be diplomatic, wise - especially in choosing your words, and if you can't really think outside the box, at least think twice before acting. Anything may generate a chain reaction which may either result in desirable or disastrous events.

Speaking of which... I'm having this headache in my er... right temporal area. And my mood has been ugly ever since, hence, I have been saying bad stuff. I feel like running away to a secluded place and stay there until the pain goes away, because I'm afraid I had hurt so many people these few days.

lalang oh lalang

2011-08-18T03:40:00.001+08:00

It's just funny. How one would do anything just to feel like 'being in a group', to try to fit in, when he or she had been taught all along on what's right and what's not. Of course, we need to live in a framework of our own kind, but we also need to know when to break out of it. Because after all, there are just too many people out there for you to befriend. Nonetheless, if you are too immature to make your call when you know things aren't going in the right direction, whose fault is it in the end? Especially when the same group of people had been throwing you away repeatedly and you know it very well - the future that awaits you.

We obviously need to equip ourselves with the skill of coping, but there's a clear line between coping and simply being a 'lalang'. It's amusing to observe this person condemning your every action and just to amplify his/her action, fitnah is being spread for no particular reason, when for years he/she had been licking your arse and you have yourself to laugh at for foolishly sparing a part of your heart for this little puppy. But in the end, you know you have so many people to rely on and this little puppy will continue being lost. Its lost. Not you. Besides, as Umi had reminded me, "You can't force everyone to like us". Let's agree to disagree.

The final thought for today... I desperately need to cure my phobia towards roaches. My urinary bladder feels like it's about to explode, but two cockroaches which decided to make themselves at home were busy doing Bollywood routine in the toilet. I chickened out. Let's just hope that sahur time will come fast because then my saviours will be awake. Rise, my comrades!

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turn back

2011-08-10T16:30:00.003+08:00

"Cuba jadi perempuan sikit, Ira. Asyik terkinja sana terkinja sini", I recall my mother nagging me as I was climbing my way to the top of the mango tree in our compound. Almost never a girlish child, my cliques were mostly those of the opposite sex. I guess it's because I spent most of my childhood with Ayah, Along, and Ahmad.

I had four good friends when I was eleven or twelve. During that time, most girls were busy polishing their American accent, too much emphasis on 'rrr's and 't' became 'd', etc. So I didn't make the effort to mingle with them. A little bit snobbish there. Of all these four guys, I'm still keeping in touch with one of them - by the means of occasional hangouts, totally lost contact with another one, the third was uhm... I don't know. Things got awkward later for reasons I still fail to comprehend. And the last one used to be my closest friend. Got into the same class for so many years since I was seven, the geekiest and most innocent lad I had ever known in my life. Somehow, we weren't on talking terms all of a sudden as I entered high school. I didn't even know what happened to him until a few months ago when I received a friend request from him on Facebook. I don't really understand it, but changes are supposed to be normal, especially if you're given almost ten years to evolve; but it was as if he's a completely different person with the same face and apparently, the same name. For some selfish reasons, I actually wished he still is the same person I used to know. Friend, I wish we're still communicating now, but oh well. People change.

At times, we wish we can keep all the friends we used to know, maintaining the same relationship but that's impossible. And so it seems.

Giada dan gigi

2011-08-06T06:42:00.005+08:00

I'm not saying that I had mastered the art of becoming a couch potato, but I'm starting to watch TVs again. Life had been pretty hectic since my end of fourth year holiday began and finally, here I am, in my new home which is approximately fourty kilometers away from my former one in Subang Jaya. I haven't gotten accustomed to Nilai yet, but I sure am relieved to escape that congestion near my hometown, caused by USJ residents mostly (SS18 and SS19 don't have that many residents aight), they just drive me nuts every single time! Not to mention female drivers who almost never failed to make me somewhat humiliated by the way they handle the wheels. Don't drive fast if you don't know how, for everyone's sake, and your shades aren't helping much. Moreover, the road-bullies. Sigh... I have to resist the urge of pressing on the brake pedal every single time I'm tailgated. Surprise, surprise, some people just don't know how to utilize those signal lights optimally. I actually did this once simply because I wasn't in a good mood and I couldn't escape the fast lane because the middle lane was packed, but it wasn't a full brake and that Caldina right behind me panicked and I could hear its tires screeching. Shouldn't have done that. Things could've gotten uglier.

Well anyway, back to my initial purpose of writing this entry - Giada dan gigi. I've been watching snippets of Giada at Home and every single time, my brain will be instructing me this - please for my sake, change the channel, Zahirah; but I can't help but to continue watching it. Come to think of it... we, human, are masochists at times. We derive pleasure from pain. So what's the source of my pain? Those veneers are really getting on my nerves. Initially, I thought, "Did her dentist just increased her vertical dimension on occlusion too much that speech becomes difficult with those veneers?", when I saw her keep flashing those teeth too much and I actually sympathised her, but eventually, she started speaking like normal adults do, before, of course, resuming to her teeth-flashing state again. And then I knew... it's just her. So I Googled "Giada+teeth", and this came out. A good laugh after sahur. It's Ramadhan, Zahirah! Do something beneficial!!!!

That's Giada for you.

That's it, lady

2011-07-11T06:59:00.004+08:00

For the past few months, my life has been very eventful. Starting with joining a community service for fun as well as to gain experience a fortnight before exams,...

... performing with Hazwan, Ziyad, Mike, Yiying, alongside a string orchestra during Malam Graduasi Pusat Pengajian Sains Perubatan 2011,...

... sitting for the end of fourth year exams which were held six days later, worked my arse off as the project manager and one of the performers during The Annual Graduation Night 2011 for my dental school,...

... joining students competition during Malaysian Dental Association Congress 2011 - submitted one entry for each video and pamphlet categories which together with my team members we nailed first and second places,...

... doing a research, climbing Stong Mountain HALFWAY (hahaha) with Yiying, Ah Beh, Adrian, Chang, and Poisze,...

... burning my flight ticket back home and was sent by the school to join the National Research and Innovation Competition 2011

... during which Alhamdulillah I won this with Yatie and Yana's assistance (thank you so so so much for this guys, especially Yatie)...

... a bronze medal and I was the most junior participant, spending my first week of holiday in Krabi, Thailand, with Mel, Anith, and her coursemates,...

... and quite recently I finally get to meet all of my girlfriends (kekeke) during May's father's birthday party.

In just two months - I wonder what was in my head. "You've gotta learn to say 'no' la, Skypez", my old friend Azizi told me. Nonetheless, I can't deny I enjoyed everything - the adrenaline rush episodes and sleepless days before competitions, last minute revision for exams (four days for four years of syllabus, my brain nearly crashed), and performances; overflow of serotonin when I indulged myself too much during the trip, anxiety as I burned my flight ticket for the very first time in my life, muscle strain from climbing that mountain due to insufficient warm up and carrying amps and keyboards for music practices, living on vitamin C supplements to avoid falling sick due to overexertion, getting jabs in the arse secondary to food poisoning for not getting proper meal - didn't have enough time for a proper one :P, excessive laughters and gossips which I shared with my senior - the beautiful and intelligent Karen Voon, and my carefree team member, Yana, and whatnot. In a way, I'm psychotic to enjoy these, but I also know I am stronger now. Strong enough to shove off a few people who have been mistreating me for quite some time. I don't get angry easily albeit being a little bit dramatic is sinfully enjoyable, but once I do, you should know that you might have crossed the line a wee bit too much.

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Curse

2011-07-03T00:53:00.001+08:00

From the way things are going, being overweight is like a curse I chose to cast upon myself.

And how things get misinterpreted so easily... it never failed to blow my mind.

Albeit how hard I had been trying to live positively beause I fear how pesimism gripped so tightly on me before, at this rate... I'm not sure whether I can continue doing this. I'm just unsure about everything. I'm unsure about everyone around me. I only have Allah to turn to. Please send me guidance.

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Hm

2011-07-02T23:53:00.001+08:00

Some jokes just aren't funny. Personally.

posted from Bloggeroid

Stranded

2011-07-01T12:05:00.001+08:00

Goodbye, Krabi, u gave me so much unforgettable moments. I want to write so much about it, but Ayah had moved our internet line to our new house in Nilai. So I'm currently blogging using my phone... which isn't as convenient as using a laptop.

Lately, i haven't been quite honest with myself. I look at them and I'd think... if only I have a partner like that to tell all my worries, doubts, happiness, and whatnot to. I guess I'm still a human then. An already twenty three year old human. I feel so old. Ah, but kind people don't come easily and I somehow think I don't deserve such person. If it's not for me to experience it, oh well. Might as well let myself being engulfed by this unpleasant emotion.

I think this is my very first time writing about such thing, eh?

test for droid

2011-06-27T03:13:00.001+08:00

Hello. Published?

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Malaysiaaaavenged

2011-06-16T00:40:00.002+08:00

Lame, I know, but at times like this, I can't help but to wish Avenged Sevenfold will come to Malaysia one day in the nearest time. Incubus is coming. I'm not much of its fan, but thanks to Ariff, Hanif, and Kamal, I learned to like a few of their songs which we covered during our jamming sessions. Since I'll fly off to Bandung on 16th July, so I'll have to pass that. Ahh... I guess, I'll just save some money once I work as a dentist and fly to Long Beach or somewhere to watch them.

Yesterday, I received a call from our acting deputy dean, Dr Fadhli Khamis, and the chairperson for elective, asking me to present my senior's research in the National Invention and Research Competition 2011 as the academic office nominated me. "We think you'd be able to present it well", Dr Asilah said. I wanted to refuse the responsibility but I guess it might provide me good exposure and experience. After having such a tough time during the recent Malaysian Dental Association congress (the students' part), in which case I enjoyed lectures by specialists and lunch only, I thought... "Am I really up to this? I haven't studied for a fortnight already". And my elective research is far from completion, I'll have to resume it when the new semester starts.

It's somewhat disappointing having to read those medical records with such poorly documented medicolegal part. In a few instances, I couldn't even find any record of the Glassgow coma scale. Come on, man, that's a crucial information! I hope y'all future docs won't do this. It's a reminder to myself as well. Since I'm doing a research on helmet-related oral maxillofacial injury in motor-vehicle accidents (MVA) among motorcyclists (ya, kerja saya sekarang terperap dalam Unit Rekod), I thought that it's important to note on whether the patients were wearing a helmet during the accident since the insurance company might want to know about that too. Only fifteen out of every approximately forty records fulfilled my research criteria, and I applaud those medical officers who documented the details well. You did a good job. Nonetheless I couldn't stop myself from smiling as I heard Ah Beh saying, "Look at this. Caries positive". Now I understand the reason our former most dean, Prof. Dr. Datuk Ab Rani, wanted us to study medicine. Recently, my friend, Syuhaida Syuib @ Ida said to me, "We received a referral case from the dental clinic. It was a case of dental pain secondary to angina (heart disease). Gosh we felt so proud". I mean, you will not want us to write "Bulging lymph node positive", if an incidental finding of enlarged thyroid is made, will you? Both parties should stop being ignorant. I wonder when shall both of us work in harmony, but oh well... easier being said than done.

written in the stars

2011-06-05T01:47:00.003+08:00

I tried cheering myself up by watching Glee. Apparently a worse feeling lingered instead.

I don't understand why I am running away from the same thing for two years already. It's getting exhausting, my stamina isn't that good you see. I might have jogged every single day when I was in my third year of DDS, but I stopped abruptly as my Professional 2 exams drew near. If there's a switch I can simply flick at my own will and erase a few memories, it'd be oh-so-useful. Instead of at least becoming blurry, the past is still crystal clear as far as I'm concerned.

Whenever it pops up in my mind, I seem to have the ability to shove it away at once, but the effect is always temporary. As temporary as the interval of time a rotation of the earth completes.

Everytime I take a flight early in the morning, I get to see the beautiful sunrise, featuring its best asset - the cloud, subhanAllah. It always look so solid, like an empire which buildings are made of cotton. And every single time, I can't help but to think oh how peaceful it will be if I can just run away from all the troubles residing on the ground and just lie on the cloud, away from all the conflicts I wish I can just ditch without feeling guilty, caring only about my own affairs although it might be lonely being stranded there alone. I just feel like... running away. Oh Allah, please make this silly though dissipate. Grant me the strength.

the 8th Annual Graduation Night

2011-06-03T00:28:00.011+08:00

Alhamdulillah, my two months of chaos are finally over! Uncountable hours of sleep were lost, I was amazed that I only experienced an episode of upper respiratory tract infection for that. Thanks, Dr, for giving me a bottle of free vitamin C supplement :) Nonetheless, I had been rushing through meal times that I got acute abdominal pain twice due to food poisoning. Jjabs in the ass for that, weee~

Now lemme see... The 8th Annual Graduation Night which was held at Renaissance Hotel went quite smoothly; being the student project manager, I obviously overexerted myself because it's my name and also the name of the batch were on stake. We did a musical pantomime titled Romi and Julia. Mucho mucho gracias to Wani for willing to write a good script for us. It really helped speeding everything up. Received compliments from our lecturers (chairperson, Dr Nurul Asma) , staff, and friends. A handshake with Prof Dr Asma Ismail, our deputy vice chancellor; "You have a nice voice, it was a good performance", she said. Kembang hidung kejap. Those hours of practice till late at night paid well. Thanks to all lecturers, committees, batchmates, TAVA staff, and everyone who were involved.

Remember Dato' Dr Rosemi Salleh, the general medicine specialist from HKB who supervised us during our general medicine posting there? The one who said to a houseman, "The patient is having heart block or you are having mental block?"? Apparently he was one of the VIPs during the event. Other group members were really afraid of approaching him but being his usual warm and hilarious self, he greeted us as if our posting ended just the day before.

Congratulations to all seniors, may you all be a safe and responsible oral surgeons - especially to my senior, Seowlin, who was kind and patient enough to do a root canal treatment on my tooth although four attempts of killing it failed.

Took a photo with our very own Mama aka Dr Wan Zaripah Wan Bakar, our super creative and caring prosthodontist and also phase coordinator. Her dedication in executing her responsibilities are astounding. We love you :)

So, dear seniors, please wait for us. In about another year, we'll join you to serve the public too, insya Allah :) The time when their name was called out with the title 'Dr' was really touching. Gave me a boost, really. I wish with all my heart that I too will succeed in this with flying colours.

a disguise

2011-05-19T00:23:00.003+08:00

As told before, I sat for my end of year four exam which is composed of three papers - short assay question (essay) I & II, objective structured clinical exam (OSCE) I & II, and finally, a clinical exam.

I couldn't help but to weep right after I finished doing a class II amalgam restoration (a type of tooth filling), due to accidentally underfilling the restoration. It was about 0.2-0.3mm in diameter - small, but dentistry IS a tedious course. We pay attention to small things others would usually disregard. So 0.3mm is huge to me. The time was up, but that didn't stop me to say, "Do I need to redo the restoration then, Dr?", a part of me was at the brink of giving up. Dr Zuliani Mahmood (paedodontist) and Dr Lailatul (periodontist) both said that it's not necessary, but knowing them, I really couldn't stop my eyes from welling up while autoclaving instruments we used. Everything went so well until the final filling. Dr Zuliani is always a strict lecturer, but the warm aura she always have seem to bring out the best in ourselves. I looked at Yueming who asked me, "Z, how was yours?", helplessly. He wasn't being his usual jerk self. Well at least I know that someone's sympathising me - although till now I'm not quite sure how that'd help. It's just psychological stuff.

Two days ago, while again cleaning up my dental chair, feeling more unmotivated than ever, someone shouted, "Result dah keluar!". My heart was pumping so hard that I felt dizzy. Little did I expect it'd be announced so soon. Only four days of studying a syllabus of four years. I was too busy helping others when I was the one who needs attention from myself. My pace was slow, but every earthly thing must come to an end. I looked at the notice and continuously whispered Alhamdulillah. I did alright :') Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, I was thinking... how can a person be so perfect in so many ways? What I'm feeling is not envy, but it's... awe. I'm awed and feel honoured to get to know such creature.

i have so much to say but you're so far away

2011-05-15T01:46:00.003+08:00

I get angry over small things. I don't find that silly as much as I do getting excited over little things. I am too outspoken, I hurt so many. Holding back facial expressions reflecting my thoughts are so hard. I am bossy when I think I need to save a situation desperately, but some think I'm overexerting myself over petty things. But these very petty things are what I cherish the most. At times, I might seem selfish, but what I want them to understand is... I did it all because I care for them. In the end, I made myself seem like everyone's enemy. So I am a bad person, am I not?

GAH!

2011-05-13T03:55:00.000+08:00

Whenever I login to my Fb account there's always one thing that bugs me - people who speak oh-so-philosophically but in reality, they care shit about everyone else. People who laze around at others' cost. They who always enjoy their own sweet time when others anxiously try to meet deadlines. I wouldn't mind if one takes occasional breaks if all jobs are executed well, but uhm... it seems that only a few are working their arse off. It's rather disappointing. May Allah grant me the strength to face and succeed all these tests.

I'm slowly, excruciatingly slowly losing my patience and manners.

it will all be okay, insya Allah

2011-05-06T17:05:00.002+08:00

We hadn't sat for any paper for so long until two weeks ago. And on the day after tomorrow, fourth year students of dentistry here shall sit for five papers - collectively known as end of year four exam. This is when the reality feels like a pinch in the middle of an episode of daydreaming. While I was busy trying to figure out the flow of this Gingival Problems lecture note (somehow, all the slides were jumbled up. How did it get to this?) by Dr Erry Mochamad Arief (our periodontist) and feeling slightly panicky I wanted to cry from this sudden build up of pressure, I accidentally turned on my media player and heard, "When you are close to tears, remember, someday it will all be over" - a line from Lighthouse Family's High. What a coincidence.

Yeah... let's try our best together and may all of us pass this exam with flying colours.

i told you i won't stop - medical school graduation night 2011

2011-05-03T00:41:00.005+08:00

Just because a few pests hit your windshield, it doesn't mean you should stop.

Albeit somewhat trapped in the hectic life of a fourth year student of dentistry, it didn't stop Yiying and I from performing during Medical School Graduation Night 2011. Frankly, I whined... A LOT, to Hazwan who was responsible in dragging us into this job - for which I spent quite a proportion of my time for studies, since our end of fourth year exam is just around the corner - five days away.

I performed quite a number of times already, but I'm not into solo acts. Being in a band feels more comfortable. So what makes this time different from previous performances? That is... having a string orchestra accompanying us :)

Countless thanks to the talented students of Maktab Rendah Sains MARA (MRSM) Pengkalan Chepa for such great performance!

Then as soon as I started giving up on finding new musical talents in this kingdom of geeks - especially since Ayien graduated from the school - I bumped into these guys - Mike and Ziyad. The talented jokers. Finally I get to jam metal songs in USM (although I can barely catch up with their pace. Too rusty, man!) :D They're very helpful too. Well at least Yiying and I didn't need to do all the carry-the-f-ing-heavy-amps work as we did before. I have only Allah to thank for this. After all the hardship the three of us - Hazwan, Yiying, and I had to go through before, all the dissing, insults, and backstabbing, are all worthy. The prayers I sent for Allah to open the heart of a few people or at least distance them from me for I was too weak to put an end to the anger and disappointment, not to mention the humiliation I sustained during that interval was finally answered. When Ayah advised me not to wish for the condemnation of those who were unjust to us, I thought he was being too philosophical, but still, I obeyed him. He's right, as always. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah for lending them to me.

(Clockwise from upper left: Mike, Hazwan, Ziyad, Yiying, and I)

something amiss

2011-04-26T01:09:00.004+08:00

I'm not quite sure whether it's just panic catching up on me for having to hand up my oral surgery logbook today, 10.00am sharp (the lecturer initially gave us a later deadline), falling asleep at 8pm, or something more complicated is behind this restlessness.

I browsed through my friends' Facebook page. Quite a number of them have started working, earning their rightful pay, and having fun. Here comes the evil green envious monster. I feel so exhausted after not being able to sleep more than 4 hours for months already. Recreation? That doesn't feel familiar anymore. Last week, Yana, Jijah, Fiza, and I went to Wakaf Che Yeh. There aren't many places you can go to after 10.00pm here in Kelantan (of which I am very grateful). "Jom tengok barang-barang? Aku mahu beli selendang", I suggested to them. Barely five minutes later, all of us started to complain of sleepiness. We headed back and as if being drugged, all of us succumbed to the need of replenishing our energy. This didn't seem to end just there. "I need a break. I am so exhausted", I heard myself whispering slowly, literally, and tears began to run down my cheeks. Isn't this what I've been wanting since I filled the UPU form? Did I not promise myself I'd try my very best to get this degree in the shortest time possible? Didn't I forbid myself from having excessive entertainment since that period of failing so much previously?

I should be grateful. I have a stable support system. Yiying to help reminding me of stuff. Pang to wake me up when I stayed up too late to finish my work. Yueming to refer to whenever I'm in doubt and to teach me. Fiza to confide my personal conflicts to, the best listener I had ever met so far. Beh and Poisze, the responsible duo, always executing their jobs well. Kila to spend my rare lunch time with. What is amiss? There's something else, but I'm not quite sure what that is. It's puzzling.

I noticed myself being more forgetful nowadays. Not being able to remember a simple slide after reading it once felt... horrendous. Well, 'even geniuses are dumb if they don't study'. I should cut down on something but what is it?

Well, anyway, I really really really wish to graduate next year. Amin.

sorry, doc :(

2011-04-25T00:01:00.002+08:00

For the first time ever, I sat for an exam at night. It felt weird.

It was a paper on orthodontics. We hadn't sat for any exam for months already. If I can peep into my cranial vault, I think I might find yellow and green nasty looking mold flourishing and anchoring well to the surface of my brain. We took advantage of the situation - attend clinics and study less than we did before. Our free time was mostly filled with anime, movies, and whatnot. "Things will take its toll eventually, Zahirah, stop doing this. Don't return to being your old self", my mind urged myself. Today marks my very first time of not being able to answer a paper on dentistry well. Alhamdulillah, there's OSCE which I usually enjoy answering. I felt so guilty especially towards our orthodontics lecturer, Dr Ali Rajih, who happened to be the examiner tonight. I never had any problem with a lecturer watching me answering my paper, but tonight, I was beyond embarrassed for not being able to answer so many questions that I automatically grabbed it and hold it to myself when he was taking a peek at my answers (especially when he bent forward and made that what-the-hell-did-you-write facial expression). He laughed. Later, he asked us to stay for awhile. "... one day, I might go back to my country, but I'll tell you one thing - THIS is your only chance to learn". I am so, so, so, so, so sorry for disappointing you, Dr Ali :( I promise I'll be more serious at this. But most of all, I feel sorry for myself for not studying well before this paper. If I had learned medicine so enthusiastically, this thing - this thing which shall be my bread and butter, insya Allah, deserves more attention. Way more than I gave medicine, albeit my interest in any other specialty because I am currently trying to get my DDS. I should work for what's nearest to me first. What was I thinking???

i feel blessed to have learned medicine

2011-04-19T23:55:00.005+08:00

The same question that always bug the minds of students of doctor of dental surgery (DDS) of USM might most probably be, "Why on earth do we have to learn general medicine?", if not, "Why does a storage room looks more desirable than the hostel?".

About three months ago, I went to a village nearby to scout for potential candidates to treat. A lady, very humble and friendly invited me into her house and gladly accepted my offer. I had just finished constructing her partial denture. Before doing so, I had to extract one of her teeth so the way things go in USM, it's always about holistic approach in managing our patients. This means we're not supposed to look at the face and mouth alone, but the health of the whole body is a crucial element to be examined too. While examining her neck, I noted thyroid enlargement with associated bilateral upper cervical and submandibular lymph nodes enlargement. Each of them was about 2cm in diameter, mobile, smooth-surfaced, firm, and non-tender to palpation (percussion of manubrium was resonant). Although initially she claimed not to have any significant past medical history, I managed to find out that she has a thyroid disorder and was on follow-ups at a clinic nearby. She said it's just goiter and the medical officer in-charge said it's nothing to be worried about. Neither a benign nor malignant tumour, but with discovery of cervical lymphadenopathy, I personally didn't think it's a simple case of goiter. I pointed out to the master student in-charge but he said, "Proceed. It's nothing, I guess, since she's on follow-ups already". Through out the extraction process, I couldn't take my mind off that matter. I held the patients hand. It was abnormally warm. My hands are always warmer than my colleagues, but hers were warmer. I felt her pulse. It was nearly 90/minutes and she was not anxious about anything... and so she said. Those are the signs of deranged thyroid hormonal level.

After completing the extraction, I saw the master student again, and insisted on referring her to oral maxillofacial clinic. Alhamdulillah, my request was accepted. Months passed and along the construction of her denture, I learned that fine needle aspiration was done on her lymph nodes and thyroid gland. Today, I received the very news I had dreaded for months - the result came out and it was papillary carcinoma of the thyroid - in laymen term - thyroid cancer. Nonetheless, to every cloud, there's a silver lining. It was still in early stage. The lymph node turned out to be unaffected. Still, I have another task to complete albeit completing her denture already - to persuade her to undergo surgery to remove her thyroid. The thing about dealing with villagers is... they usually trust alternative medicine more than the modern ones. Obviously she chose the former and I hate to see her condition deteriorating simply because of having lack of knowledge in this field - at least not after she gave me two bags of serunding :P May Allah open her heart to accept this treatment.

I learned an important lesson myself - Alhamdulillah, the extraction was uncomplicated but if she had thyroid storm later, I might've quit the school, but Allah teaches us in amazing ways. So dear dental students of USM, don't feel all that bad for having to learn medicine. You'll encounter cases that'll amaze you so much you'll feel so grateful for having the knowledge - at least a basic one.

the irresponsible simpletons

2011-04-16T19:47:00.002+08:00

Please grant me strength to face and succeed in these tests You are giving me. I'm feeling worse day by day.

one thing

2011-04-16T03:36:00.002+08:00

If there's one thing the previous disorder ripped off me... that'd be the ability to laugh sincerely.

tiba-tiba...

2011-04-11T22:54:00.003+08:00

Saya pun terus pergi jogging tadi. Having the court all to myself - woohoo!

tiba-tiba...

2011-04-11T20:17:00.001+08:00

... gua rasa macam nak jogging malam ni. 10pm nanti yaw! Sekarang bertungkus-lumus siapkan case reports dan wire bending lagi.

you betcha

2011-04-10T00:29:00.004+08:00

I'm speechless. Panas tidak sampai ke petang. I thought this weekend would be a relaxing one. That I'd finally be able to just laze around, reading Empress Orchid novel which Mel lent me while occasionally staring at the bright blue sky just above my head, after months of sacrificing my weekends for this and that. My room is located on the top floor and my bed faces towards the window. I hate lying on the bed except at night, right before I get to sleep. That's why I placed my pillows right beside the window. So I'd be uncomfortable to sleep during daytime. Logically thinking, it's easy to just place them on the other side of the bed, but frankly, I hate the idea of resting my head on a place where my feet usually lie.

Whoops, I had diverted from the main topic again. So anyway, it turned out that this weekend was not meant to be much of a relaxing one for me either. I was enchanted by the novel so much that I slept at 7.00am today. By afternoon, I was already wide awake and discontented. My coursemates and I were supposed to visit Staff Nurse Hasmi's house at 12.00 noon, but apparently I found out that it was postponed to 2.00pm late. Then, right after that, I headed straight to the university music room to practise a performance for medical students' graduation night with Hazwan, Yiying, Ziyad, and Mike. We finished quite late. Hungry from it, a few of us hunted for food. Somewhere in the middle, my tyre got punctured. I didn't notice it until the security officer pointed it out to me, most probably because I didn't have much time to drive anywhere lately.

Oh, hot dang. So I headed to the nearest fuel station, tried my luck to inflate the tyre helplessly, but I know that everything is futile. It's already night. No one in his right mind would want to open his workshop at this time. I couldn't bear looking at it, so I decided to change my tyre. That's when the adventure started. Trying my best to gather bits and pieces of the lesson I learned from a driving school on this matter, I took out my spare tyre and tried to take out the jack. It wasn't a smooth process. There was grease everywhere! "Heck! I deal with my patients' secretion everyday, this can't be hard, can it?", I said to myself. Well, not until I realised there wasn't any spanner in my car!!! I started cussing under my breath. Then my hero and heroines came. Ita, Ain Shafiyah, and Naim. The girls lent me their spanner and Naim came and helped lifting the jackscrew a little bit, but he let me do the rest. Gua baru ingat nak relax. "Kenalah belajar benda ni", he said. Oh well, I gotta learn it at some point anyway, HANDS-ON! All the theories made into practice, finally :) Something felt wet. Crap. My nail broke off and it was bleeding. I'm going to have difficulty in putting my gloves on later. "Ni yang aku rasa nak mencarut", the ungrateful me sputtered. "Haha, nanti tulis dalam blog", he replied. "HAH! HAHAHAHHAHAH! Kau baca!". "Hahaha, kantoi". So this goes to you, son. You betcha. Well anyway, now Along's car look ugly. I need to send the punctured tyre to a workshop soon.

Finally I went back, heaving two giant plastic bags containing a comforter and my clean laundry. I'm not going to lie. I send my laundry to a laundromat. With the sink filled with food debris these uncivilized people dumped (which frequently cause clogs) and iron-saturated water, no way. The washing machine downstairs? No way too, man. If my eczema don't start attacking me, I'd be glad to utilize all of them (except the sink), but unfortunately, that's not the case. Then later, I forgot that I left Mr Mikael and Mr Frontman (elec guitar and amplifier) in my car. Mr Mikael is so heavy I felt like carrying another me on my back. That's an exaggeration, alright. Once I finished bathing, I can't help but to let a soft sigh escape slowly. Today was an adventurous one.

a good novel after so long

2011-04-09T02:15:00.004+08:00

In most matters, I'm outspoken except for one thing. The very thing I become most cowardly I can be. The very thing I'd send prayers to Allah be taken away from me if it's uncertain.

Someone told me he wants to have our friendship back, but... personally, enough is enough. Too much back-stabbings, too painful to sustain, too troublesome to be bothered, and I don't think it's worth the risk once again. From one person, it exploded into some sort of chain reaction, all generating hatred in a group of people towards me, spreading fitnah about me. I'm not the best person you'd want to have as a friend, but I try my best in everything I do. I'm persistent in that way, but there's always a point when you have to put an end to something. When giving up is the best way out. No one gets away without being badmouthed about. I don't hope for so, but... yeah, I had my time with all those stuff and I'm happy to let those things go. I'm happier now, thanks to a few supportive friends :) And you know... the beauty of having many friends would be if you lose a few, you have so many more to rely on. Praises to Allah for lending me so many great and talented friends, way better than the ones I lost. Alhamdulillah. And I'd answer their questions with, "Things have became a history. Let it stay as a history".

this is stupid

2011-04-05T13:07:00.003+08:00

I feel like punching something or someone into a pulp. Of all the people, the one who always answer with uncertainty, sometimes just stand there, silent, or just a silly laugh is somehow given a handicap. The one who always complain about every single thing. The one who badmouths her partner almost every single day. The one who talks the talk but is much more of an... empty can. So much noises, but almost zero output. What world am I living in? What's the point of questioning if you didn't intend on listening to our answers? Even if they're wrong, they're what we had understood. So correct us. Correct us, don't condemn us.

"Sometimes I just can't shut the hell up, it's like I need to tell someone, anyone who'd listen, and that's where I seem to mess up"

2011-04-03T22:03:00.007+08:00

That's a few lines from Jessie J's Nobody's Perfect. The title is the perfect description for the mess I was caught in today.

It gets tiring when you try so hard from day to day, second by second, chanting words of encouragement to yourself, trying desperately to make something good out of this little remaining fuel I still have. "We're just talking about how you're always so positive", Adrian said to me... but, that's just a facade I let everyone see. That's my way of ensuring myself this - you're going to be okay, Zahirah. It may be just an act, but silently I hope it'd eventually come true one day. Nonetheless, there's a price to pay for this - vulnerability. I'd become very anxious whenever I sense any threat to this principle of mine. And there are a few things/matters that may exert strong impact on this.

So today, I fell again. Not the hardest fall I had experienced, but enough to distract me for the whole day. Crossed a line I reminded myself not to. Said stupid but true things. Hurt two souls with guilt. I apologised, but I swear. It wasn't the sincerest apology - which I regret the most. Again, I tried to run away from these conflicts. "Things shall pass eventually, Zahirah. Look up and walk. Walk and never turn back", my mind tells me. And so I tried to make myself as busy as I could today. Today I completed an acrylic partial denture (trimmed, sandpapered, and polished), one base plate, and a special tray in an hour. I don't usually go at this pace, but I just couldn't bear giving an opportunity to myself to think about the things that took place today. But once I reach my room, ample of free time, everything barged back in. I cried, cried, and cried. What else can I do? I'd send prayers, asking for things I don't think I deserve. Nevertheless, Allah knows best.

Considering all my wrongdoings, I think I deserve well everything that has happened. Every single heart breaking events. I have myself to blame.

I watched Aaron Vujicic's video again and again. "And until there is some times in life, when you fall down. You feel like you don't have the strength to get back up. Do you think you have hope?... If I fail, I'll try again and again and again. But I just want you to know that it's not the end. It matters how you're gonna finish. Are you gonna finish strong? And you will find that strength to get back up", he said and then he stood again from recumbent position - without arms and legs. I want to be this strong or better - I want to be stronger than that. Oh Allah, grant me the strength and wisdom to become stronger.

words aren't just words

2011-04-02T02:39:00.003+08:00

If you choose to be oh-so-philosophical, choose to remember your words too. Words, they don't disappear just like that once you've written or said them. People don't forget easily. Hold to your words if they are right as you claim them to be. Don't say something for the sake of making yourself seem righteous or wise.

Nonetheless, even if you think they are right, you might want to think twice before saying or writing them down, because words - when used wisely may be among your sharpest weapons, but when used inappropriately, they may also backfire. Not everything that seem right IS right. Berpandukanlah pada beberapa panduan yang benar. Fikiran kita jika dibiar meliar sahaja tanpa kekangan, pasti akan sesat. Dan setiap perkara yang kita tulis itu kalaulah ia salah tetapi diikuti oleh orang lain pula... tidakkah besar bebanan itu atas bahu kita?

the day i lost my temper

2011-03-27T02:23:00.006+08:00

Ever since I was hit an recovered from MDD, I always wanted to lay low and concentrate more on academics and clinics, but today, something someone stated really ticked me off and there I went, messing around with silly varsity hassles. I'm a person who you can consider to prefer being in her safe zone currently I guess... whatever you want to describe that as. No more a brainless daredevil I used to be - the aftermath is too heavy to sustain. The thing about being in this Health Campus - which to general perception might most probably be 'the kingdom of nerds' is we push and point our finger to each other especially when it comes to getting someone to become members of our student council. Perhaps exception to the medical school. I really admire their courage and enthusiasm in this aspect. Another way of saying how things are is we couldn't be bothered to be involved in varsity politics intimately, but that doesn't necessarily mean we aren't bothered about them at all. We're selfish when it comes to this, but once a student is crowned as our representative, we usually give our whole support to him/her. We're no innocent bystanders. In this dental school, we back each other up... and so it is supposed to be. SUPPOSED. Hence, it is agitating to have our voice unheard when any decision is to be made. Well I guess they are just a jumble of misunderstandings stacked upon each other, one by one, and made worse by a sadistic person who shall not be spared from my wrath. Nonetheless, I'd better not act or speak without thinking well or I might be just another pest sputtering rhetorics.

with prayers

2011-03-14T00:08:00.002+08:00

Last week had been an eventful one.

Finally, my elective research proposal presentation was over! There were glitches here and there. "DK 1 (dewan kuliyah) diorang kata yang paling killer sekali?", said Dr Aidaniza, perhaps because the deputy dean of research happened to be one of the judges in that hall (there were three venues altogether). Oh well, we can always correct them before handing in our written proposal.

After weeks of wire bending sessions (which included bleeding here and there, blisters and spending nights in the lab), my upper removable appliance was finally completed, Alhamdulillah. It's time to move to the second upper removable appliance. I'll post a picture of it later :)

Then the dreaded graduation night meeting with lecturer committee. Oh well. It turned out okay :)

On a different note...

One of the countries I admire the most - Japan, was hit by a major earthquake, measuring 8.9 on Richter scale and more than a hundred aftershocks. Along with the tsunami secondary to this now kicks the mortality rate to approximately 10 000 deaths. Although we're somehow more relaxed now that there are no aftershock coming in the nearest time, another disaster is looming the rising sun land - the nuclear crisis. The temperature of about five nuclear plants are rising as cooling system fails and the nuclear reactor in one of them is possibly partially melted down. Alhamdulillah, although the current radioactive level has exceeded the safety level, it has not posed significant threat to people's health. Nonetheless, I pray for the Japanese people to be in safety. Amin.

Nurse Wani, who used to take care of us well when we were in second and third year left us all with two of her children. En. Din who used to guide me when I was managing periodontics station during Convex, her husband, is currently comatose. Although his eldest son has regained consciousness, they are both in critical condition. Let us all send prayers for their wellbeing and may Allah grant strength to both of them in facing this test. On a more personal note - the last time I met her was just one day before the accident, in a farewell party for the dean and other retiring/resigning staff. Along with other nurses in our dental clinics, they performed a choir, singing the song titled Di Mana Kan Ku Cari Ganti. Being somewhat different than her usual cheerful self, she was more quiet on that day and I was spared from her nags. Only Allah may repay her kindness. The whole dental clinic felt gloomy today. (News article)

It was indeed an eventful week.

good thoughts once again

2011-03-12T06:19:00.001+08:00

The thing I had been working on for a month:

A pair of complete dentures!

The patient had consented to the publishing of her picture here.

And that's her wearing them and smiling beautifully :)

Today Pokjat told me something... some rumours passed among some people. It somehow reminded me of Wani's latest blog entry. Well, it's their option to believe them or not. It is my job to hold to my beliefs. And if you know me well enough, you should know. I don't cross the lines I draw.

terrible mood

2011-03-12T02:06:00.003+08:00

Oh hey, Tune Your Teeth, I haven't seen you in such a long time, and today, I'm in a terrible mood.

Why?

Because I'm currently searching for guitar tablatures on Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. It's one of the songs short-listed to be played during graduation night for medical school. Boy, do you know how much I hate bad guitar tabs? Hold on. It's not 'hate'. It's LOATHE. That's how much I despise them, what more if they are accompanied by their respective tabbers' over confident remarks which most probably won't help learning guitarists out there. What a waste of cyber space and time trying to play or read them.

Then there's this lousy internet connection in the university. Surprisingly it's almost hopeless if you'd like to search and read published journals in a short time and wonderful for Facebooking.

Next will be the song Memori Tercipta by Shila which was also chosen for our performance by Hazwan. It's painful trying to tab it while having to listen to this girl's overexerted vocal (I desperately searched for a minus one version of it). It's like listening someone screaming continuously. Or shrieking perhaps? Yeah... shrieking seems to be the hardest word, Elton John. See, as I had mentioned earlier, I have this weird (perhaps it's not weird, but I'm just too ignorant to read any book about it) hearing impairment in which case I'm less sensitive to low pitch sound and extra sensitive to high pitch, hence, my annoyance when listening to this song. Ah. What to do. For my friend, son. For my friend.

Then there's the water issue. The iron-saturated water problem seemed petty when compared to the recently worsening water shortage issue. Last week the water was totally out for more than three hours and it repeated for a few days. Entering the fourth day, I was ticked off. Give me a break, dear administrators, I'm in my fourth year and I still don't see any improvement in this.

Another issue should be discussed too - the university music room. It must had been such a long time I ditched that place that so many new things were brought in - things which I think should not have been bought provided the current insufficiencies. I don't care if there's any pro-HEP (student affairs department) kid who'd like to bash me for saying this (and I don't give one or two shit about the political fights in the university. Sue me). There are two severely damaged electrical guitars with broken strings and another bass guitar which damage is beyond being repaired lying pathetically in the room and ten Yamaha classical guitars were brought instead. They're non-jacked. I repeat - NON-JACKED. Perhaps they love the idea of sticking a microphone on the guitar when any performance is to be done. There are four amplifiers and only two are working. Of these two, one of the diaphragms were torn already. And guess what was bought instead? A huge flat-screened Bravia, as large as the TV in my own house complete with a digital karaoke set - which may be sufficient for buying at least two good electrical guitars, one bass guitar, and two decent Roland amplifiers . And as far as I'm concerned, the old TV is still fine. Do you know how much renting one of the guitars or amplifiers cost? RM40 PER ITEM. If you'd like to perform, then renting both guitar and amplifier is inevitable. Here, RM80 cashed out just out of pure ignorance and selfishness every single time.

The time I feel most happy would be during outings and when I'm in the dental school. I guess the administration really took good care of our welfare. Well at least way better than the party mentioned above.

nemuiidesune

2011-02-22T23:43:00.001+08:00

Too bothersome to bother.

Too sleepy to be true.

Too tired to start with.

It's time to sleep, I'm just babbling because I miss this place.

isshoni chokinshimasho! yeahhhh!!

2011-02-15T15:59:00.006+08:00

"Let's start saving our money!", this is the meaning of the title above. I gained weight during the past holiday and my purse is experiencing the opposite, hence, saving money seems to be the most appropriate to correct this imbalance. Harus lebih banyak berjalan kaki dan kurangkan membazir pada makanan. YOSH!

It's weekend again, yay! This week feels so exhausting after nine days of slacking around during previous Chinese New Year holiday, I need time to adapt with everything. My clinical sessions had been rocky, thanks to this ignorance I'm trying to shed off. One note to self - NEVER read something from lecture notes without doing further research using textbooks. Kan dah kena, "Kalau awak jawab macam ni dalam viva, straight away fail tau!", warned a lecturer. Argh, my neurons have been sending signals relatively slower these past few days. I stuttered a few times which I find extremely retarded. Time to improve my theory once again.

It's getting more crucial than ever to improve my posture when practising because my shoulders and neck are killing me! "Awak nak kerja 30 tahun lagi kan?", Assc. Prof. Dr. Noorliza Mastura, reminded us. She'll resign from USM in March :( Yet another caring lecturer to bid farewell to.

And oh hey, I have one tooth to be root canal treated now, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I only have one tooth restoration (aka filling, and it's a damn huge restoration, so near to the pulp) and no caries at all and that very tooth now is dead, but since it was done more than ten years ago, I'm glad it lived through such long period. Thanks tooth 46, I will not pull you out. Thanks to my colleague, Shipeng, too for treating me :)

It has been quite some time since I last posted any entry, but Ahmad's home now! Alhamdulillah :)

"Ayah beli mjalah rod&line jan11 utk awak. Nanti ayah mnta pakcik harun arrange mncing"- text message received on 7th Feb 2011 from Ayah.

Insya Allah, Ahmad, Ayah, and I will go to Tok Mak's crib for fishing around end of March! Endau here we come :D I seemed more like a son rather than a daughter isn't it?

So what's up with previous Chinese New Year holiday?

My peers, Akila and Era came to Selangor! I brought them to a few places, but time constraint was a limitation and the traffic jams (everybody was rushing for last minute CNY shopping) weren't helping either.

We went to Midvalley and gobbled on a few stuff... hold on! A few? I'm quite sure they were more than a few. First, Papa Beard cream puffs (worth the price, really), Domino Pizza (I'm in love with its breadsticks. Pizza Hut can die) where we ordered a meal for FOUR (tamak, tamak), then quite a number of food which I lost count of, and finally my house where we had mi bandung. Speaking of which... during my previous trip to Bandung with my elder sister, Wani, we enquired our tourist guide on mi bandung. His answer was, "Ya, di sini ada mi goreng, mi bakso, mi apa aja, tapi mi bandung ya ngga ada".

Then there's Wing's Cafe - my first ever Chinese music cafe trip! Thanks to my senior, Mong (Dr Mong? Heh heh) and the pretty twins - Yiying and Yiyan for such a great night. The singers even dedicated a Malay song to me, how cool is that?

Next would be lunch with Jaja at Gardens, OneUtama. I had spaghetti carbonara (ate till my gastric content pushed against the gastrooesophageal sphincter hard). It was... maghhhveluz!

And then there's lunch + dinner with my partner in crime - Melissa, at Sunway Pyramid. I ate especially A LOT. on that day (not that I eat little on other days). We had Hot & Roll crispy pizza beef (Personally, its old name - Wrapz sounds way better), followed by a glass of icky (which after awhile tasted okay, but still sucked for Mel) red bean ice-blended and otak-otak at Pappa Rich, and finally Sushi King. As usual, since high school, she ordered tempura udon and I ordered black pepper udon with miso soup. You know that thing about the alcohol-containing food in Sushi King? Yeah, apparently, there were a reminder placed on each table, but perhaps it missed our attention. Anyway, there are only 4-5 things on its menu which do contain alcohol and two of them which I ate A LOTTTT before :( Unagi and ikura sushis. I should be more alert in the future.

Apparently, Jaja and I forgot Syawa's birthday (which fell on 26th January), so we decided to do a little bit of a surprise belated birthday celebration - got her a lava chocolate cake and an organizer. The thing about the latter was... we intentionally brought one with a green turquoise snake faux cover because it's the total opposite of something Syawa would buy. That's my most reserved friend who I knew ever since I was in kindergarten.

About a day before I flew to Kelate, had my usual holiday jamming session with Hanif, Ariff, and Kamal. This time, we jammed surprisingly many songs (impromptu) - Anna Molly by Incubus, Creep by Radiohead, Afterlife and Almost Easy (separuh jalan cis) by Avenged Sevenfold, Naruto The Raising Fighting Spirit, a few songs by Muse, and uhm... I lost track of them - just in an hour :) happy, happy-desu! Surprisingly each of us had gained weight wahahahahah!

The jamming session was actually sandwiched between a lunch with my high school ladies (Farhanah, Mel, and Anith; plus two new friends - Izrin and GF)(I forgot Ah Beng and Izzi!) and Tra's birthday celebration. Had a lunch at Bubba Gump's Shrimp, Sunway Pyramid. I rarely make bad choices at ordering food, but uhm... oh well. Oh well. Loved the place though :)

We attacked Tra who's back from London (I hadn't seen her for A G E S) next for her 23rd birthday celebration and had a sleepover at her house. I missed our Wii dancing session though :'( Sob, sob, because I drove back to Subang for awhile due to reason mentioned above. Had a short pillow talk before we dozed off. I noticed something - they all matured a little bit more :) And I'm glad I held on to this friendship although it's not all ups, but what's up without down?

Umi and Ayah were away to Vietnam this hols, but at least we got to have our usual nan tandoori session at Kayu Ara, Taipan, and lunch at Kak Ina (warong pun lagi sedak dari kedai hok comel). The best nan I have tested so far. Ayah is now a pensioner. Boleh pergi chill selalu dengan dia :)

I am so grateful to Allah for everything I had, am having, and going to have. For everything.

how are you, brother?

2011-02-04T01:32:00.003+08:00

The chaos in Egypt is getting from bad to worse. Ahmad's in University of Cairo and about 4-5 days ago, we totally lost contact with him since all means of communication were totally blocked. No phone calls or internet connection was allowed, but Alhamdulillah Ayah has a few friends who are diplomats. At least we get to know the general condition in Cairo before the media does, because it gets agitating having to just sit around and wait... not when your family is involved. I still can't contact Ahmad which is annoying. Alhamdulillah too we finally received a call from Ahmad 3 days ago. Words couldn't describe how relieved we were at that time, but now I'm getting all anxious again after reading reports saying prisoners broke loose and the number of casualties is increasing with time. I have a couple of cousins also studying there, one of them, Zahra, lived very near to where the rally is being held. Alhamdulillah efforts were taken by our government to relocate them to Malaysian Hall. Right now, I feel so helpless. Prayer by prayer sent wishing their wellbeing. I don't know, man, I don't even feel like blogging much.

waterMELONCAULIflower

2011-01-23T22:23:00.005+08:00

Egao no tame no watashi no egao o gisei ni shimasu...

... means to sacrifice my smile for yours.

CHANGES. Which one of you isn't afraid of it?

As gently as the time sweeps through our strands of hair, just like the wind, bringing part of our old self with it. I look forward to it and I anticipate its aftermath, but what if the latter turns out contradictory to everything I imagine it'd be? But that's... that's the rule of life isn't it? We don't really know how things'd go even 1 millisecond preceding the actual event... and so I tell myself again and again, but here I am, silently weeping after their departure. Yes, they are here, but no... these aren't the same souls. Everything slowly evolves, from what seemed to be sincere company to friends with benefits.

This chest aches, not from your ignorance and neglect, rather it's out of uncertainties. Of what awaits us in the future. I silently chant, "Oh, Allah, grant me strength to face this. Oh, Allah, grant me patience. I seek refuge in You", and yet, I forgot about another thing. What if it's me who has changed? And still... my chest aches as I see you galloping towards them. My lips tremble every now and then as I put on this smiling mask. Be at peace, friend, I shall not trouble you with my boring stories.

Mugi-meshi de koi tsuru. To sacrifice a little for so much more.

We're parting ways, aren't we?

yukkuri, yukkuri, slowly, slowly

2011-01-23T01:27:00.004+08:00

I must've enjoyed myself too much this weekend because I have just finished watching my second drama series, Mei-chan no Shitsuji (Mei's Butler), and also a 26-episode anime, Ouran High School Host Club! About the former - Hiro Mizushima-san no me ga ichiban utsukushiidesu ne (Hiro Mizushima's eyes are so beautiful)! Do you notice that only certain people have those sparkling eyes? Such beautiful eyes :) Anyway, back to the Mei-chan no Shitsuji, I find this drama series sort of hard-to-grasp. We all know Japanese people beats all races when it comes to 'unique' (or weird?) stuff, but uhm... Yeah. I'd really like to visit that country, especially since quite a number of my favourite lecturers used to study or work there.

Anyway, is it just me who haven't watched any Japanese drama for almost 3 years already or this 'baggy-eyes' trend has just started? Ano keiko ga hontouni minikui ne (that look is just so ugly) -_-" Anyway, finally I got to know how Ouran ends. I'm not much of an anime fan. I prefer manga I think - leaves everything to our imagination. I had been reading Ouran manga a couple of years ago until its publisher claimed copyright stuff and all online manga websites had to cease from publishing Ouran scanlations. It's not that I enjoy benefiting from pirated stuff (and bear in mind, the internet connection over here sucks big time), but you can obviously count the number of good manga actually published in Malaysia. I was left with no choice (trying to convince myself :P).

Well I was about to write a few melancholic stuff actually, but it's 2.30am already. I have a class at 8.30am and a patient to treat at 9.15am. Good productivity must be prioritised... although I'm suffering from diarrhoea... AGAIN, thanks to the spoiled food I bought at a restaurant this evening.

aih, my stance is shaky - an emo day for me

2011-01-19T20:14:00.003+08:00

Bury my head into the pillow.

Doc, you know what... I called my patient so many times today to enquire whether he'll attend the appointment, but there was no answer and in the end, he was late. I honestly thought he'd FTA again (failure to attend). I called and called and in the end, my phone credit hit RM0.01. Doc, you know what... I didn't ask for that spittoon to suddenly cause a racket - a mini 'fire-work' made up of very rusty and contaminated water even without provocation. We complained about it so many times but everything was taken lightly, and now I had to pay the price. Doc, you know what... when I was trying to take my patient's periapical (PA) radiograph, there was already other patient in the x-ray room and I spent so much time waiting, but she was just a child. What could I expect? It's not as if we can hurry her much. Doc, you know what... I really tried to do intrapulpal anaesthesia after mandibular block and intraligament anaesthesia failed due to the abscess (abscess may neutralise the effects of anaesthesia), but his calculus was so thick, it even covered the pulp opening. Doc, you know what... I didn't expect my patient to be this uncooperative. But perhaps almost all smokers are stubborn, but it's prejudice to think so. Doc, you know what... I wanted to tell you that not all lecturers agree to permit prescription of radiograph without first presenting proper examination and diagnosis when you said, "You tak pandai manage patient lah!" in such a harsh tone. That's why I didn't take a PA radiograph beforehand. Doc, you know what... I don't take oral surgery easily, I mean this. It's what I'd want to major in insya Allah.

Finally, doc, you know what... I really wanted to punch your face at that time, but come to think of it now, I'd rather do it on my own face because I really think I was too ignorant. Doc, I am so sorry for what I had done today. I didn't mean them :'( I really didn't mean them.

I really don't feel like going to the lab for wire bending session. Yet another challenge to be faced by a dental student. Oh, Allah, grant me strength!

I don't understand a few things - why create a feedback form and ask us to fill it when later we're being condemned for doing so? "Benda kecil ni jadi isu besar tau", oh, how frequently it's being said. Well, then it's just another hypocritical move, isn't it?

Ore wa OTOMENdesu ka.

2011-01-19T02:19:00.004+08:00

Imma be honest. I'm sleepy already but am too pumped up currently to write about a drama series I just finished watching a few minutes ago. It's titled 'Otomen' which was supposed to mean a boy who has both skills a girl and a boy should have (a somewhat sexist statement though, but blargh, who cares!). The plot was quite predictable, not too heavy especially for a person whose brain was strained for almost the whole day. Any fan of Hanazakari no Kimitachi E will most probably like this one too - not to say it's as overloaded with cute guys as the latter, but the former has enough of them LOL! I'm going to be honest, I'm a shoujo manga freak, so it's surprising that I have not read this manga before, hm... It has been three months since I last watched any drama! There was a line which captured my attention:

"No matter how much your make-up fades, I'll make you look like a butterfly everytime", said Hajime Tonomine (Ryo Kimura) to Miyabi Oharida (Mirei Kiritani).

Ngaaaa, I can fly with these bats hanging near my window already! My favourite character in Otomen was Hajime Tonomine (or perhaps just his eyebrows - Shota Matsuda-ish?)! And there was another thing that gained my interest - Concerto No. 2 by Rachmaninoff was again used as soundtrack. It seems that Japanese people have a thing for Rachmaninoff - watched about four Japanese drama series with this particular concerto used as soundtrack. Compositions by more popular composers (not to say I favour these people over Rachmaninoff) such as Beethoven, Mozart, or perhaps Bach weren't heard much. Speaking of which, I can't believe they played Hedwig's Theme by John Williams in the drama too! And I initially assumed Japanese people to be somewhat outdated when it comes to Holly-jolly-wood stuff, considering them using old English songs such as You Are My Destiny by Paul Anka a lot. Man, how old is that song really!

But in the end, the best part of Otomen was the video clip in the end. Nice job done on cinematography, really! I suddenly felt like watching Memoirs of a Geisha once again :P

patient gua panggil gua mak. jadah? juadah? juadah pembuka selera.

2011-01-13T22:52:00.003+08:00

Semalam saya telah mendapat pengajaran yang sangat penting - JANGAN PANGGIL DUA PESAKIT DALAM SATU SESI JIKA TIDAK TAHU APA YANG SEBENARNYA MENUNGGU KITA. I initially intended to call a patient just for an examination and diagnosis session yesterday and my second patient would be for the same purpose too. Every treatment should always start with an examination and diagnosis session first. Indeed, never simply discharge a patient if he/she is in pain. Simple common sense and yet I forgot this essential point. I felt terribly stupid and guilty towards my second patient. Thank God my colleague was in need of another patient. So I had to refer her to my colleague. It was my first time and should be the last one too if I can avoid it in the future. My whole afternoon felt gloomy :( Not to be repeated in the future, Zahirah! NEVAAA!!! Mampuslah tak pernah jadi macam ni ke tak sebelum ni, yang penting, sekali dah jadi jangan jadi lagi. Rosak reputasi bersihku.

So last week was somewhat dedicated to treating my medical counterparts (unintentionally) and now they all call me 'mother/mom/madam/puan/mak'. Jadah? I already look like a thirty-year old lady and to have people addressing me in such way. Others would think I'm married! Gahhhh!! Ah biarlah. Witnessing the aftermath is priceless! Tapi kalau gua nampak karang gigi lu naik balik, siap la gua tenyeh-tenyeh scaler tu mercilessly bak kata pakar periodontik kami, Dr Akram Hassan, "Biar diorang takut sikit". Ngeh ngeh. Gurau saja... ya ka gurau? Ya kut... I don't want a trip to the dentist becomes a traumatic event for anyone, but I don't want history to repeat itself too.

Next week will be oral surgery week, insya Allah. Time to flex these muscles! (Padahal lemak saja yang sibuk terhayun-hayun bawah tangan ni)

kroni makaroni

2011-01-11T03:21:00.002+08:00

I thought if I slept at 10pm I would wake up at 6am, but... why am I already awake now?? Gahhhh!

Speaking of this super-early morning topic - crony. So I've heard complaints from quite a number of students regarding a few frequently selected people privileged to join university activities (specifically under ahem ahem). Fun isn't it, splurging all our parents' money and also our scholarship (which was used to pay for our semester fee) for their own good. I don't mind if we have benefited a lot from these activities or perhaps from these people themselves, but... I can almost only see dust and specks of saliva coming from these sweet little mouths. Nothing but butt-kissing lies. Well whatever, if you choose to live that life... without guilt? Ngeh. You, who obviously can afford those holidays on your own, may eat up others' less-affordable and more deserving students' part as much as you want, but things don't go unpunished, bear that in mind.

The Asia Pacific Dental Student Association conference (APDSA) will be held this August in Bangkok. Apparently the dental school isn't sponsoring anyone except our representing speakers which means we'll have to fund ourselves (RM2-3k) and all of my batchmates backed out from the event. Umi granted me permission straight away, most probably because they went for so many vacations without me already (T_T), but... how am I going to enjoy it without any close companion? It was the same case as previous APDSA which was held in Tokyo. Same thing happened, Umi granted me RM7k, but I had no companehh. Anyway, I have already planned a vacation to Bandung with Jijah in July. Looking forward to lots of shopping! Thinking of Bali too, but Ayah despise that state. An obvious red light. Umi kata, "Carilah mana-mana negara awak nak pergi lagi. I'll pay but kena ada kawan temankanlah".

Who'd guess, Ayah, who is officially a pensioner now, went to Bandung a week ago (barely a fortnight after he pensioned) and is now planning to go to Egypt for a month, to visit Ahmad. He deserves this break :) I asked Umi and him to come and stay in Kelantan for a couple of months or so once Umi pensions, while I'm still studying here so that I can construct Umi a pair of partial dentures - a nice, stable, retentive, and long-lasting pair, or maybe a crown and bridge, but knowing them, they'd enjoy the new home first. Thinking of moving away - the time to say goodbye to Subang is quite near already. Subang has became too urban, too hectic, too packed with people who spend most of their time trying to impress others instead of achieving more meaningful bliss. I can't drive a day there without having my temper trampled on. And yet, half of my childhood friends are there. Just a few messages and all of us can easily gather, at any time (exception to me), anywhere, but that's almost a history already. Except for Syawa and I, the rest are already doing their practicals and shall officially graduate by this year, insya Allah. Everybody's busy gyaaaa! My turn will come next year insya Allah :) Currently, the clinical requirements are being filled at a satisfactory rate, considering I'm still in my fourth year. Let's go faster steadily instead of in chaos.

when the OPG machine failed us

2011-01-10T01:37:00.002+08:00

We're supposed to practise tracing lateral cephalogram radiographs today. Whuzzat? That's just an x-ray with certain angulation, used as an aid in giving orthodontic treatments (those braces, etc.), but oh well, we walked all the way to a satellite cabin where the machine is and who'd guess an OPG machine (placed in the same room) failure made today's practical session almost erm... practical-less...? Alhamdulillah our orthodontist, Dr Rafeah Ayat Khan, gave us such an interesting demonstrations, I suddenly thought of taking orthodontics in the future. GAHHHHH HABISKAN DDS. DULU, ZAHIRAH!

Okay, so anyway, while we were waiting for the machine to be repaired, Yiying, Yeap, Sue, Yueming, and I had a little conversation on what each one of us would like to do after we have graduated - but our focus was more on Yueming since he said this to me quite some time ago, "I want to work until I'm 35 years old, then I want to retire and travel". Considering a guy whose skin is super pale, he has the complexion a girl would dream of, the brain which might even be on the same par as members of Mensa (a group of people who have IQ at least 98 percentile or higher), the skillful and slender fingers my colleagues and I always talk of, and the looks which may easily pass as an anime character - it's almost impossible for us to imagine him doing such thing. Initially the topic of our conversation was on Dr Saiful, the oral maxillofacial surgeon who is famous for being such a generous and nice lecturer, not to mention he's super smooth when he performs in operation theaters.

Sue: Weh, mu tau, Dr Saiful sponsor En Yadi pergi German. Best gila!

Z: Seriously??? Mak... syok gila. Ai, bila aku boleh buka klinik aku sendiri (Dr Saiful opens his own dental clinic specialising in tooth implants). Apa kata aku kerja bawah dia dulu. Kau rasa dia terima tak? Kekeke.

Yueming: You kerja untuk I la.

Z: Ngeh, kalau kerja untuk you, habislah I. "Ey, air jangan bazir. Disposable bib pakai satu untuk semua patient. Tak payah disinfect dental chair" (I was trying to point out that he's a stingy person)

Yueming: Haa, betul tu, suction tip (the straw-like instrument used to suck all your saliva and blood out, it's supposed to be disposable) tak payah tukar.

The rest laughed along.

Z: Kerja bawah Yueming yang kedekut, no way. Baik buka klinik sendiri. Dr Saiful belanja En Adi pergi GERMAN k, GERMAN. You nanti bagi I bonus apa?

Yueming: Can, can, I belanja you, don't worry. I belanja you teh dekat kedai I (his friend (or is it girlfriend? Ngeh ngeh ngeh) recently opened a bak kut teh restaurant).

Z: Acik you la, nak masuk pun tak boleh. Kalau you belanja teh, tak tahu berapa kali dah bancuh pakai the same tea bag.

Sue: Ha ah, tak boleh letak gula. Gula potong. Gula mahal.

When I write them down here, it didn't feel funny, but really, during that time, I laughed so hard that my eyes were teary. Tak elok gelak banyak-banyak. Now no wonder last weekend somehow felt down for me.

go go go!

2011-01-08T01:04:00.005+08:00

I just realised that I haven't posted anything here for more than a week. Life had been quite hectic lately... and probably this year to come. Now that we're in 2011, I have new resolutions (actually made up a few of them during Maal Hijrah):

1. To be a better muslim.

2. To be ahead at fulfilling my clinical requirements.

3. To read more books specifically on dentistry and Islam.

4. To learn more dental-related skills and polish them.

I really think I have not been taking religious issues serious enough :(

These couple of days, my mood has been mainly down due to... hm... quite a few. And when I feel down, I tend to sleep my sadness away. So, yesterday I slept for seventeen hours non-stop.

I sometimes wonder, will a few of so-called 'friends' still stick with me if I don't have a car? If I'm not on good-terms with a few guys who a few of my friends have been eying on, will they still be by my side? The latter might sound silly, but it's a fact - it has happened so many times already. Speaking of being a friend with benefits. I hate being taken advantage on and someone does that to me, I'm good at detecting it. At this rate, I wonder, should I just call this friendship off? It's getting harder and harder to fake a smile and laughter when later, I just feel like crying my heart out. But again, to follow the heart carelessly is unwise.

Firman Allah, maksudnya: “(Kalau kamu tidak mematuhi perintah) maka tidakkah kamu harus dibimbang dan dikhuatirkan-jika kamu dapat memegang kuasa-kamu akan melakukan kerosakan di muka bumi, dan memutuskan hubungan silaturrahim dengan kaum kerabat?. (Orang-orang yang melakukan perkara-perkara yang tersebut) merekalah yang dilaknat oleh Allah serta ditulikan pendengaran mereka, dan dibutakan penglihatannya.” (Surah Muhammad: Ayat 22-23)

I guess it's okay to just distance myself from them just a little bit, but not as far as calling it off, because I have Allah to listen to whatever that's troubling my heart. I always have my parents to pour everything out. And I still have so many friends out there. This is my jihad.

This sounds a bit like childish problems, right? Truth is, as long as you live in a community, it's almost inevitable because you and I, we might not think the same way about everything. You have your intentions, and I, mine. Can I expect you to be in totally ways I always hope you to be? I don't think so, but I can hope. It might feel sad when my hopes are crushed as it is right now, but yeah... I have other friends to rely on. Alhamdulillah.

hush now

2010-12-27T18:09:00.002+08:00

It was surprising to see how distraught you appeared to be today. I wish you would tell me the reason of it - what's troubling you? But knowing you for a few years already, you will never splurt out that kind of stuff. And I wonder why am I feeling this despicable resentment - am I not good enough as a friend that you wouldn't tell your problems? Your face was flushed, your conjunctivae appeared congested, and your eyes looked abnormally glassy. Yeah, you always have that sparkle not many are privileged to have, but today they seemed to be telling a whole different story. I want to see you smile again, your usual sarcastic, sadistic self. Smile, friend. "Remember, I am the good person, the good man here okay?", you said to me and I need this 'good man' to make a comeback soon enough. Come on, I've been trying to beat you all this time, don't give up, man!

Yokunai kimochi ne? :(

Everyone seemed exhausted after today's clinical session. I hope tonight will be great for everyone, including me. Amin.

~(=_=)~

2010-12-26T03:32:00.003+08:00

Cool kan benda ni?

It's four o'clock in the morning and I'm still wide awake, playing around with Yearbookyourself. I wish the internet line can be this fast even during other times. Once the clock strikes 11am, the line will be hit by internet retardation syndrome.

Haa, in about 29 hours, class will start once again. Last week was quite rough. By next oral surgery, my requirement for tooth extractions should be completed, insya Allah :) That's why I said last week was quite rough. I really need to start practising proper mechanics of tooth extraction. I'm using my wrist too much :P

This weekend was almost completely wasted with reading shoujo comics ~(=v=)~ Ngeeeee, I LOVE Manga Fox. Mathisa Yuu's drawing is pretty! So does Sakurada Hina's (*v*) You see, this is the problem I'll experience whenever I get overdosed with Japanese mangas or animes - I'll start using emoticons excessively in my texts. Gyaaaa, I so so so want to visit Japannnnn!

\(>_<)/

Umi and Ayah has granted me permission to go on one condition - I'll have to get a friend to accompany me which is the most problematic issue here. Who'd want to spend almost ten grands just for a few days? Oh man... So I guess I'll just wait till I become a certified dentist and perhaps a specialist, but uhm... I don't think I'm willing to wait six more years before visiting that country. Bersiap sedia untuk berjimat... tapi... saya... taklah... bijak berjimat sangat. Uh -_-" Learn, Zahirah! LEARN!!! Eh, kejap... Umi dan Ayah kan dah kata nak sponsor gua pergi sana. TEE HEEE HEEE, but I think they might change their mind once I've graduated (insya Allah) because Ayah will officially become a pensioner this 30th December, hence the need to save my money soon. Only God knows how excited he is about this. Hahaha. Nonetheless, I admire this character of his - once you accept a job, you do it properly until you've completed the task. I hate people who do things merely for the sake of fun and as the Malay saying goes, "Asal cukup syarat". Not good at all. Well you can play around, but give your best shot at everything. The satisfaction is worth it, no kidding.

Two days ago I had a rather strange dream, but I'm not immersed in melancholy enough to talk about it now :P

Innalillah, my condolences for Naimah and her family. Her father passed away on Thursday. As I had said when we started fourth year together - we'll help you through thick and thin, but there's no use babbling much here. I'd rather convey my words directly to her. Let us all send our prayers and Al-Fatihah for her father as well as all muslims be them deceased or alive. May Allah repay you. I hope she'll stand as strong as she always do. She did undergo so many tests these couple of years, very patiently.

left or right?

2010-12-22T23:53:00.003+08:00

"Kau ni skemalah", "Tak payah lurus bendul, buat cenggini je", and so on... So many of them, they just lead to one core message - don't be too naive and white lies are okay. I have my reasons for being somewhat too honest at times. Firstly, of course, our Creator. Then there are other accessory reasons, but I would by lying if I say these are my sole reasons. Somehow, everytime I try cheating my way through something, I will either get caught red-handed or end up with something so horrible and terrible, I can never forget them, even when Alzheimer hits me (this is a lie). I'll go through a few incidents.

The first time I tried to skip my religious school - Ayah's friend informed him (kaki repot, booooo!) and I ended up getting beaten by him.

The first time I left the house without picking up dry clothes (I initially intended to come home before Umi did), it rained so heavily and I was stuck in Sunway Pyramid. Itu zaman naik teksi daaa, tak senang nak balik. I got walloped again.

The first time I tried to sneak out of my school just to buy a can of Gatorade (Gatorade... of all drinks :P), my discipline ustaz saw me and he chased me so hard, I had to flee to Subang Parade (which was about 50meters away).

The first time I let my hamster out and slept without putting him back into his cage, arwah Mikay hilang untuk seminggu. Alhamdulillah jumpa kembali tapi dia jadi slim.

And today, the first time I skipped taking a PA radiograph of my patient's tooth when it was highly indicated, I ended up with a fractured tooth (due to very extensive caries), even the lecturer in charge couldn't extract it out via close extraction. The extraction had to be done by minor oral surgery. I should be extremely grateful since it's my first time skipping such important investigation and the periapical abscess was very very small and my block anaesthesia was successful (block anaesthesia may fail in the presence of abscess), instead of getting an ankylosed tooth case as my friend had experienced. But still, as Umi had said, "You always choose the hard way to learn your lessons", indeed, I learned it this time the hard way again. Nonetheless, I should kill this habit once and for all (if I can avoid it). Pesakit ialah manusia. Manusia seperti aku. Ada nyawa, ada perasaan, ada macam-macam lagi. Hari ini, Zahirah, kau sudah melanggar etika-etika yang selama ini kau hormati dan hukuman ini sememangnya layak bagi kau. I will not repeat such mistake anymore :'(

sincere enough?

2010-12-22T23:27:00.003+08:00

I don't get the reason a number of people choose to put up a show so that others might not think they're miserable, but that's indeed the most pathetic part.

nauseated (warning - dental and medical jargons ahead!)

2010-12-20T22:56:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure what's got into me - either it's a friend's influence or something else, but Sims 3 became my addiction these days, and the worst part of it is I woke up at 10.30am today because I played this darn game till 4.30am! And I missed Prof Sittheeque's oral pathology clinic T_T I feel like doing myself a favour by undergoing electroconvulsive therapy, perhaps I can change my way of thinking briefly, arghhhhhhhhh!! But thank God, I got to the dental school just in time to attend Dr Noor Hayati Abdul Razak's (oral maxillofacial surgeon) clinical session. The thing about missing Prof Sittheeque's clinical session is - he's leaving by end of January since he is currently here as a visiting professor. So I should try my best to learn as much as possible from him, but hey, there I was, dozing off to a stupid dream, letting all those knowledge slip out of my hands just like that! I am very disappointed with myself :'(

AH! There's no use crying over spilled milk, I'll have to put the glass in a covered unbreakable container in a safe position next time. Sims 3 may now be dumped into the recycle bin (nahhh, I'm just kidding. Fiza will kill me if I do so). Tomorrow, there'll be an interesting case in dental operation theater (OT) - open reduction internal fixation (ORIF) of mandible on a patient whom was clerked two days ago, to be performed by Dr Abdullah Pohchi, also our oral maxillofacial surgeon. I wish I can observe the procedure, especially since I have prepared myself a little bit on this for today's ORIF (different case), but a few people kept me busy and I didn't have the heart to just ditch them and dash to OT, so it was already wound suture as I arrived there (near its end already sob...). Again, :'( I even have to pass tomorrow's ORIF since my tooth extraction session shall be tomorrow morning. Dr Abdullah offered me to assist him during tomorrow's procedure, but I didn't have the balls and I've never heard of any senior assisting in the OT during fourth year, so to cut things short, I chickened out. Besides, I have to extract my patient's teeth tomorrow morning, two of them, with super-large caries, it might be a complicated extraction and I had never encountered any complicated extraction case before. Might as well do everything as quickly as possible and run to OT. Oh well... Rushing through everything might not be a good idea.

Nonetheless, this heart is jumping out of joy after doing three tooth extractions yesterday plus a number more during previous oral surgery week. Which means, I have only five requirements for tooth extraction left to be completed by end of fourth year (June 2011) :) Alhamdulillah. But, it took me quite some time yesterday. I began the procedure at 3.00pm and finished at 4.20pm. Which means, I took one hour and 20 minutes to complete three of them, and I really didn't intend to make it such a lengthy procedure since my patient was in her mid 70s. And she was a very nice lady. The head department of oral maxillofacial surgery of Hospital Kota Bharu, Dato' Dr Rushdi invited us to come to his department if ever we feel like practising tooth extractions. How kind of him :) I hope I can fulfill my requirements as soon as possible and practise a few more skills there. Amin.

I read this on a notice sticking on a door in OT, 'Hanya 5 pelajar dibenarkan berada dalam satu operation room pada satu masa'. Surprisingly, yesterday, a person decided to be such a pain in our arses and chased us out from an operation room. "Saya nak dua orang je kat sini. Yang lain keluar", she said loudly. Every personnel in the OT was looking at us. BIG DEAL! Even the specialist, Dr Sarliza Yasmin Sanusi, and the sister in charge, didn't say anything. Is there anything wrong with reminding us politely? We are undergraduates, you don't need to remind us about that, but that is not an excuse for your rudeness. Have some respect towards others, dude.

mata Nobita tak berspek

2010-12-18T01:10:00.004+08:00

My biological clock is now upside down once again, due to reading a hilarious and sarcastic blog by... I can't reveal it here, continuously. Adui gelak sampai air mata meleleh. Not good, not good, son. And somehow, Wani's linked to this lady blogger :P The earth is small. I usually wrap up my revision around midnight, but today, I began revising at midnight instead. The clock struck half past one in the morning and my eyelids slowly drooped and I think... the above picture describes my face best at this time. So sleepy. Time to get some sleep.

toilet visit

2010-12-16T00:03:00.005+08:00

Hm... I'm now seriously considering removing my fibrosed submandibular lymph node. Everytime I get upper respiratory tract infection it grows and stop and that size. Later it'll grow again. And again... and again... (~_~) (muka bosan). Saya ni lemak tak sikit mana (kih kih kih), my double chin doesn't need to be made more obvious. Yiying kata, "Takpelah, nanti jadi triple chin". Hahahahaaaa, kurang asam.

Another mind-bogging health issue - lactose-intolerance. Hari ini saya rasa macam nak tarik katil masuk tandas. I had vanilla ice blended this evening, so you can guess its consequences, can't you?

This morning I did two amalgam restorations - one deep caries management and another one just a simple 4.0mm depth cavity restoration. See, my patient came late, so I started treating her around 10.10am and I finished all restorations at 11.45am. Our clinical session is supposed to end at 12.30pm which means I had another 45minutes to do perhaps another restoration or two more easy ones. I requested to my lecturer, Dr Rabihah Alawi (our prosthodontist), to do perhaps just one more pit and fissure sealant (truth is, I could fit another two more), but, sob... she didn't allow me, because she has to monitor an examination at 1.00pm. She pointed out that having two done were good enough. Ahhhhhh, or else I could've filled another four requirements today. Oh, well, better not rush, isn't it? As long as I can keep up with this pace or maybe be faster in the future and I'll be okay, insya Allah. For tomorrow evening session, I'm planning to do full mouth scaling and a class I amalgam restoration. I suspect this will be yet another case of deep caries management. Might as well prepare a syringe with Scandonest 2%, for pharmacological behavioral management. Bunyi macam fancy, sebenarnya cuma inject bius untuk pesakit tak rasa sakit semasa tampalan dilakukan. Itu saja.

Anyway, I love reparative dentine. Why? Study more on it, son.

Yesterday, we had a knowledge development session with our endodontist, Dr Deepti Saini, who also happens to be one of the prettiest lecturers we have here, on Burs and Handpieces. I always love her lectures and I particularly agree with what she had said before starting with her lecture, "What I'm giving you are just guidelines. Don't be so rigid, okay? Do whatever you think is best and comfortable with". Besides, dentistry is a true hybrid of arts and science. Today, I applied her teachings as much as possible, with a few modifications here and there, and Alhamdulillah, everything improved tremendously. No kidding. And after her endodontic seminar, the previous deputy dean, Dr Zaihan Arifin, gave me 'G+' (U being unsatisfactory, and G means passing it. G is further devided to G-, G, and G+) for all of my pulp extirpations and canal shaping. Alhamdulillah. I can still remember Dr Deepti's gentle advice to me when I was in second year about restorations. Frankly, at that time I was somewhat envious when seeing others progressing easily and Dr Deepti was sitting by my side, observing my techniques. "I think Pickard's Manual of Operative Dentistry might help you", she said when I almost cried. So I borrowed one (until the loan was overdue for more than a couple of years and I had to pay almost a hundred bucks) from the library, but I honestly found the book hard to digest during that time, most probably because we weren't much exposed to minimal intervention (to give treatment as minimal as possible), and all I had in mind was 'Black Class I, II, III, IV, and bla bla bla' - the 'extension for prevention' rather than 'prevention from extending' concept. Therefore, I resorted to reading manuals the school gave us (good enough for a start, but not adequate). And as I started my fourth year, I thought of the book again because I was very worried of becoming a dangerous practitioner (and by this time, our lecturers are continuously emphasizing the importance of minimal intervention), and she was right. The book is superb! If you have the interest and effort, you'll discover the wonders. Beyond words, son. Thank you, Dr Deepti Saini. I hope you can join us in the clinics soon.

... and you said you want to be a dentist??

2010-12-15T18:52:00.004+08:00

Your so-called 'intelligent arguments' are just a few mumbo jumbos made up of unintelligent guesses. You always ask abundant questions which could easily be answered if you bothered to use just a few more percent of that ignorant brain of yours. You consume others' time, you have no idea how much they'd like to kick you out of the group. You just shrug when someone points out your mistake, or even worse, you sometime dismisses others' reminders whenever you do any mistake. Trust us, we're not cheated by all your hypocritical cover-ups. Some said one's true self may be seen when one is sleeping - indeed, your true self is a violent ignorant prick. You even have the nerve to argue back rudely against lecturers' teachings. Who do you think you are? You don't even have 'Dr.' written in front of your name legally yet, and you think you're brilliant enough? For God's sake, dude... you pull an old man's body to lie back when that person was coughing so badly because he's choking, just so you can finish restoring his teeth... or hold on, were you trying to avoid your etching or bonding from being contaminated with saliva? Well, sorry, you just gotta repeat it again, no excuse to kill your patient, nonetheless. You're not even practising safely and you said you want to be a dentist? If you don't change your attitude and kill that huge ignorant ego of yours, think of another job to get instead of graduating as a dangerous dentist. You know... those lecturers are watching us like eagles, don't think you can cheat your way through.

it's more of being amazed (a monologue)

2010-12-13T20:42:00.002+08:00

He amazes me - beyond words. Too awesome to be true, no kidding.

i want my sketch set T_T

2010-12-11T02:30:00.000+08:00

I ended up doing neither.

the roach is dead

2010-12-10T20:22:00.007+08:00

The internet is depressingly slow. Might as well resume my 80% completed presentation entitled Dental Health Education for Medical Nurses on Oral Health Importance and write this later, but hwarghhh, the stomach wall is too extended due to excessive gastric content. Serotonin is overflowing my nerves, I feel too sleepy for any activity requiring even a mediocre focus level. So let's just get on with this :P

Incik Zulhelmie and Wani recently said my blog's always about dental stuff. Come to think of it... True that, true that. I can't help it since I even barely get the time to have a decent lunch, what more if I talk about leisure times. Not exactly true, since...

Firstly, I haven't written much about previous raya haji holiday, have I? I got to hang out and sleep over Syawa's house along with Jaja :) Ate at a Korean restaurant named... I can't recall its name, gomennasai! But we all particularly liked its unique ambience, but the food is just... Let's just say, Korean food is not for me, except for the pancakes. So all the best, Quiwan, who nailed a job in Korea (congratulations!!). Speaking of which... the three of us used to be cashiers in Parkson Subang Parade and we're all doing medicine and dentistry now. And there were a few customers who were unacceptably impolite to us. I can still remember their faces and I wonder if they might one day be one of my patients, and if that happens... HEE HEE HEE.

Next is watching Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows Part I movie with Mel! Frankly, I'm not much of a HP movie fan. They just deviate too much from the novel series!! Perhaps because they broke The Deathly Hallows into two parts, hence, less need to cut this and that chapter, and finally, a HP movie that's worth watching. Didn't get to meet Anith during that hols - which I find weird. See, once I'm in USM, I'll almost totally detach myself from Subang Jaya. So if I didn't get to see her during that hols, I might not even contact her until my next hols... but what a horrible friend I am if I do so. Anith, how are you?

And quite recently, my coursemates and I celebrated Jijah's birthday in Restoran Arafah. USM's coolest oral and maxillofacial surgeon, Dr Shaifulizan Abdul Rahman and our outstandingly dedicated DSA, Mr Haryadi, sponsored part of it :) This is one of the reasons I am very glad and grateful to be part of USM Dental School of Sciences. Happy belated birthday, Jijah and Nur Ain Shafiyah Md Ghazali. May both of you be showered with blessings from Allah.

Next, Rias, also a coursemate from a different university - UMS, Yogyakarta, Indonesia, have uploaded our photos during previous tour around Kelantan.

And today, Poisze, Yiying, and I went to KB Mall for lunch (they treated me to Daily Fresh waffle and Secret Recipe Appletiser yay, just for sending them to somewhere 5 minutes away from USM! Thank you, guys!) and we found out two new shops are now open which are Brands Outlet and PDI. Two shops to be opened soon are FOS and Hot & Roll (formerly known as Wrapz)!!!

Oh hey, a cockroach had just entered my room just now. My buddy senior, Alia, killed it gloriously.

A hole

2010-12-08T20:09:00.003+08:00

Today, I did my biggest restoration (filling/simen gigi/tampalan gigi) so far. It's as the picture above - blue colour represents the filling and light yellow colour represents the tooth structure left. That's what I got since my patient's previous dentist gave her temporary restoration and the cavity was readily huge. The floor of the cavity even extended beyond gingival margin (the axial wall was so near to the pulp it's already red in colour)! I had to give local anaesthesia to her. I have to admit that I panicked. I dropped a tweezer and a whole syringe (along with it's empty cartridge and A NEEDLE STILL ATTACHED TO IT!!!). Ash jenkers aren't reliable after all. This was my first time of doing a restoration twice! The amalgam (the metal-ish thing used as a filling material) just couldn't be condensed to form the distal slope of its buccal cusp and since Assoc. Prof. Dr. Sam'an Malik Masudi (endodontist) suspected the temporary filling was zinc oxide eugenol (ZOE), I had to restore the cavity using amalgam. If it's composite resin, it'd be way easier and I wouldn't have to remove the sound tooth structure occlusally. I wonder who temporarily filled it with ZOE... Well, anyway, considering composite resin, unless I pack it layer by layer, the restoration will suffer from major microleakage. I'm glad that the restoration was hm... looked pretty :P Poor prognosis, son. Nonetheless, yet another valuable experience gained today. Towards using tooth-coloured restorations!

Come to think of it... although we have gone through only a few conservative dentistry sessions (due to hols and hols and hols :P), I've been getting a lot of somewhat tough cases for a beginner. Yes, the theory is there, but practical-wise... that's just an almost different story by itself. They weren't easy, frankly, but I'm grateful to be able to experience them early :) Alhamdulillah.

oh, energy, where art thou?

2010-12-06T00:17:00.005+08:00

I feel somewhat tired today. It had been quite awhile since I last did an extensive research at the library. Perhaps I had overestimated online journals. Now that our field of studies is more converged on matters related to dentistry, online journals related to it are sadly very few when compared to medical ones. Something must be done about this.

On a completely different note...

I feel very tired emotionally too. I wonder why am I willing to put up with all this nuisance, but again... as happened so many times already, there is so much good waiting for me behind that veil of uncertainty. Allah knows best. Nonetheless, I can't expect myself to behave like a robot, I have to give it a break. Let's loosen this grip. Fly :)

I'm in love with the monsoon season. It rains everyday and I love how everything stand out during cloudy days. I wish I will be a dentist and a specialist too as soon as possible, because I'd really like to go for vacations (what???). I had to pass so many trips Umi and Ayah planned (they went ahead of course :P) because I rarely get long breaks and when there is any, it comes unexpectedly which I find rather inconvenient. Oh well, "Berakit-rakit ke hulu, berenang-renang ketepian, bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian", isn't it? Tak apalah tak cuti dan bersenang-lenang semasa belajar ni. Kemudian hari bila dah mula kerja, bolehlah relaks sedikit walaupun masa tu tanggungjawab yang dipikul lain pula jenisnya. Seronoknya pun lainlah jenisnya :)

the batch shirt after two years of anticipation

2010-12-04T21:13:00.002+08:00

I've been busy for the last two days, designing shirt for my batch. Truth to be told, my coursemate, Foo Chay Siang, and I started working on the design about a year ago and as usual, I forgot... and forgot... and forgot... till today, to finally complete the design. It'll be a collared one and that Chinese character was actually drawn by Foo himself and digitalised by me. Quite a decent work, if you ask me wahahah! I wonder if I can have 'PERIO' written below that periodontal probe (the instrument imprinted at the back) and have Dr Akram Hassan, our periodontist sponsoring us. He did say he'll sponsor us if we do so hee hee. Surprisingly enough, I visited three t-shirt printing shops and none of them has grey coloured shirts T_T This isn't going as smoothly as I expected it to be. Well then, I shall head to Rantau Panjang to search for them. Hopefully the result will be a positive one... now that even the price of Ron95 is up by 10cents. It's like feeding the car with GOLD! Ho jeah.

inDENTation

2010-11-30T22:14:00.002+08:00

So yesterday I was on my to the dental polyclinic as usual, about to prepare my dental chair for paediatric dentistry session when I bumped into the dean in an elevator. Gave my diplomatic smile, keh keh, until he turned to me and said, "Ah ha, I read your blog"............................. I seriously thought the elevator had suddenly stopped functioning. "Seriously, Dr???", I gasped! "Yes, I was searching about something and I came across your blog. It was good, keep up the good work", he smiled. I had to struggle at restraining myself from pressing on the 'open door' button repeatedly. I honestly think I wrote lots of silly things here, although I doubt he had the time to read it much... especially posts related to him. Ngeh ngeh ngeh.

A number of people posted in Facebook something about an increment in the price of Ron97 fuel - soon enough. Oh, man, not again!!! I obviously don't fill up Along's Kelisa tank with Ron97, but I do so when it comes to those Stream and Merc at home. Keringlah poket saya. Lepas ni kena mula diam-diam charge patient for treatment di poliklinik keh keh keh. Just kidding. Padahal sendiri mahu belajar :P

A few days ago, Wani wrote on my Facebook wall, "... and sorry asyik kacau kau. still not used to the fact that you're a doc who's busy with patients. -_-". Receiving text messages from her alone is enough to give me a boost for just any day, although I have to admit, I forget to reply back at times. Somehow I tend to enter my reply, then, something comes up and I automatically dump it into draft box. And her wall post reminds me of something too - how did I reach this point? MasyaAllah, thank You for Your limitless blessings. Truth to be told, sometimes thoughts such as, "I don't think I'm capable at doing this", or, "Am I ready for this?" swarm my mind, but if it's not now then when should it be? We can be demotivated at times, but just hold ourselves together and think of what's more important to us. We don't enter a university accepting zero responsibility and we live on others' money regardless how independent we think we are. So rather than drowning myself in miserable thoughts, I'd rather gain my strength and prepare myself better for the future. Ganbatte kudasai, minnasan to Zekkuchan!

C sharp minor

2010-11-29T23:42:00.002+08:00

Was it pleuritic chest pain? It wasn't easy to inspire. But this could be just another thought :P Or maybe a perception without a stimulus. Or... an unshakable belief?? I'm not making any sense now :P

So today, I met my prosthodontic patient again - a very nice lady (elegant too!) indeed. And she told me she's now 18 week-pregnant! Subhanallah, what a good news, but truth to be told, my heart felt like it crumbled into pieces when I read the message, because I had her bitewing and periapical x-ray taken a month ago, and that means, it was during her first trimester (X-ray is prohibited for the first trimester unless under special circumstances). So I couldn't help but to hesitate at congratulating her and enquired a lot about undergoing fetal scan, and praises to God, really, praises to God, she said she underwent all the investigations and her fetus is A-ok :') Yes, I did enquire her regarding her pregnancy status before 'shooting' (taking x-ray) her, but she didn't know she was pregnant before last raya haji. This somehow made me think of a radical solution - for all women of child-bearing age to undergo urine pregnancy test (UPT), but I think... this is somehow ridiculous and costly, not to mention, time consuming (the interval between registration and treatment times is recorded for some sort of quality assessment). Besides, the radiation exposure for diagnostic purposes (in this case, x-ray) is way lower than the line drawn to cause miscarriage or affect the fetus itself (as mentioned in Pregnancy and Radiation Exposure article by Dr Robert Brent, 2009). Anyway, I am very glad that I completed a number of treatment plans for her today :) Hopefully her baby will thrive (what a weird word to use, but I know not of other more appropriate word, hoho). Alhamdulillah.

I'm in love with this course, undoubtedly. Just look at my previous posts. You're somewhat right, Mr. Paan :P

hand tremor

2010-11-24T21:03:00.002+08:00

I love my hands. It USED to be very stable, has very very minimal tremor... until today T_T So I did my first mandibular (lower jaw) tooth extraction today. Thanks to the pretty boy, Yueming, who mocked me when I successfully blocked my partner's nerves but almost failed to target his next, I was excessively anxious to block my patient's inferior dental, lingual, and long buccal nerves (the nerves to be blocked/anaesthetise for extraction of teeth on lower jaw) today, but, "What the heck, just go on with it, Zahirah, you know the theory, did it once before, so why not now? Your patients aren't books, you know", I said to myself and Alhamdulillah, praises to Allah, I did it successfully today :) See, the failure rate of this type of nerve block is 15-20%, so I'm grateful that I haven't became a part of the statistic.

Today also marks my very first time of extracting a tooth without the help of my lecturer. Well... that's not 100% true :P I paused while extracting it as the tooth had extruded halfway because I got exhausted. I said to Prof. Sitthique, my supervisor for today, who's also an oral pathologist, "Prof., I think I am exhausted already, oh my God", my sweat was dribbling down my forehead and he took over for a few seconds until I took it back (because I couldn't bear the feeling of having a lecturer doing my work. I want to learn my lesson) jumping up and down like a popping popcorn, "Aaaaaa, I want to do it, I want to do it, let me finish my extraction, please, Prof, pleeeease". Thank Allah he didn't look at me ridiculously or say anything such as, "Observe the expert first okay". He simply smiled and laughed at me, saying, "Haha, okay, as long as you don't fracture the tooth. The caries is large, and hopefully I don't end up finishing it for you". And yeah, I did okay, no tooth fracture :D But later, I noticed my right hand to tremble abnormally (and I never experienced this effect before). Uh... I hope the effect wears off soon. I didn't expect the patient's tooth to have such large roots. For that specific tooth, its roots are usually slightly more slender than those, but oh well - yet another experience gained :) I'm going to upload the picture tomorrow, insya Allah ^_^

Next week will be a busy one, no wonder I'm feeling somewhat restless. I have a partial/partial cobalt chrome denture design to show to Dr Aida Niza, my treatment plan for my paediatric patient to be approved by Dr Zuliani, and to see Dr Wan Zaripah to ask about last week's dental quiz. I can't believe I totally thought there's no dental quiz for last week. I feel like jumping off this window in front of me, but I worry I might induce an earthquake - if not a tsunami :P

balik rumah :D

2010-11-16T20:02:00.002+08:00

Today, the roads of Kelate are so so so congested, I decided not to get something to eat. It was so congested that my mood to survey for new laptop was killed miserably. So many people were driving madly just now that I am currently, honestly, thinking of keeping a few bricks in my car, in case I feel like throwing one at them.

BUT! Alhamdulillah, I'm flying home tonight, insya Allah~~~ Sankyu Incik Hanif Genzo for picking me up today T_T My parents won't be home for 3 days :'( Which means I'll only see them for one and a half day. Anith's away for raya haji too. So I had to trouble this guy here. Sankyu T_T

Speaking of which, today, a jack-ass caused me to accidentally spurt out vulgar words when he came to me while I was drawing out some money in KB Mall. "Money or life", with a hand pointed to me. I thought my heart ran out of my mediastinum O_O! Then a few silly thoughts lingered, "Aik, aku draw RM50 je takkan itu pun nak rompak?", and, "Eh, apasal perompak ni kecek ore putih?". Then I found out that it's Mr. Akmal anak Affan. Memang terhambur perkataan-perkataan kesat. Adui... regrettable action.

enjoy the victory :)

2010-11-12T15:57:00.003+08:00

The day I made that decision, so many things bombarded my mind. Will they get mad at me? Will they think it's purely due to personal reasons? Will they learn their lessons? Will my studies improve? And most importantly - will I get to find replacements who have great chemistry with me? Although I was somehow disappointed with how things progressed initially, of course, so many more amazing things were waiting for behind that veil. And this time, this very second, I learned that that step I took was not a mistake. Not a mistake at all. And these great talented people are my price for victory - my reward for bearing with ridiculous stuff :)

Right after RBSM, Yiying and I rushed back to USM since we had a performance to make that night. So the line-up was initially Hazwan, Yiying, Anam, and I only, but later as we watched a band made up of second year medical and dental students practising in front of us and I was very sure most of them are able to learn new notes fast, I requested the cellist and drummer to play along with us, and they agreed! :D So we performed three songs altogether - Bila Cinta by Gio, Lucky by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat, and Pergi by Aizat. For Lucky, the are glitches here and there for the first chorus. Since I haven't had any good rest for a month (not even during weekends) and slept for three hours everyday so that I can study for ward rounds and clinical sessions as well as finishing other assignments in time (but yeah, I am always fashionably late bahaha, but I want to improve this, I really mean it T_T), right after RBSM, my body temperature spiked and my throat was blaring with inflammation. Yaddah yaddah yaddah, here are the videos. Special thanks to my pal, Beh Yewhin for recording these videos for us :)

And this is the second year band that I was talking about, witness their talent for yourself! The line-up was Jiaming (vox), Asyraf (guitarist), Ziyad (guitarist), Sarah (cellist), Syafiq (keyboardist), and Mike (drummer). They performed Angel Theme (from the drama series) and 21 Guns by Greenday :)

Today is Friday and it's yasumidesu! But why am I lazing around, I'm supposed to change my bedsheet. It's there for a week already :P Nanti gatal badan baru nak bising.

OOOOOHHH GEEEZ!

2010-11-09T00:36:00.002+08:00

It popped up in my mind out of the blue about my very first dentist (in my memory of course), so I Googled up about him. AND I FOUND HIM HAHAHAHAH! Back in those days, my maids were Hindustan movies junkies so I didn't have any option but to watch them as well. The main actors during that time were usually Amitabh Bachan, Govinda Krishna, Salman Khan, Anil Khan, and a few others and I have no idea who the actresses were. So this dentist who treated me resembled a lot like Govinda, that's why I can recall his face well LOL!!! Note the past tense though, because... oh man, time does change people, especially their physical appearance! Heh heh! What a random topic to write on.

As I had mentioned before, I was scheduled to consult Prof Sitthique, the visiting professor in my dental school as well as an oral pathologist, regarding my submandibular mass. Thank God, he said it's most probably a fibrosed lymph node secondary to previous respiratory tract infections. Hm, that came at no surprise since I get it every one or two months :P Alhamdulillah :) Speaking of which, earlier in the morning, I bumped into him while entering an elevator. He looked at me and smiled, "You're the one who... organised... who... emceed the event, right?", and since I respect him a lot I stuttered, "Ah.. y.. Ya, ya". Indeed as they said, the wiser a person is the more humble he/she shall be. And I find it intriguing that he asked whether I'm from Johore while we were waiting for Kak Nora, the staff nurse in charge in Klinik Pakar Pergigian USM to fill up my radiology request form. I usually get these, "Are you from Penang?", "Do you have some sort of Indian blood in you?", "Are you half Arab?", and yaddah yaddah, but never - "Are you from Johore?". Good guess, although I'm quite sure he didn't make a random guess. Indeed, Ayah is from Johore and Umi is from Singapore.

Speaking of clinics, I had paedodontic clinical session again. I think I performed very badly this time :( Frankly speaking, I didn't study for it this time. Gahhh I have gotten so lazy these couple of days! And Dr Zuliani Mahmood's (our paedodontist) somewhat gentle comments had really given me a boost, Alhamdulillah :) This habit of waiting for someone to actually poke me in the arse before acting should be abolished! Procrastination isn't something to be proud of ya, Zahirah. And I had to face the cranky staff nurse who was in charge of Dental Health Education room. I can't believe she scolded me for questioning about giving a complimentary toothbrush to my patient just because he's oral hygiene score is somewhat undesirable. When I asked Dr Zuliani regarding this, she was surprised. She said it shouldn't have been that way. I feel like getting back to the nurse, but oh well... no good will come out of it :P I'd rather see Kak Nora and just buy one for my patient (f.y.i, to USM students, you can get dental hygiene-related equipments at KPP at very very cheap prices). Leceh betul kerenah birokrasi begini.

Nonetheless, I am very grateful to have such a nice little boy as a patient. I look forward to seeing him again after raya haji holiday :)

hols hols T_T

2010-11-05T21:33:00.004+08:00

Yesterday was a memorable one. Fourth year dental students from Indonesia came to our school for elective projects for a week and yesterday was their last day here. A few of us brought them to a tour around Kelantan, well you know what, I'm not really in the mood of babbling much about this. I'd rather upload the pictures instead, but the pics aren't here T_T Waiting for Yantie and Wian to upload them. Anyway one of them, Ika, and I were having a conversation about cars and I suddenly said, "Ora eneng uang loh", and silence followed suit. "Loh, kue iso ngomongei jowo?". Alamak, terlepas sudah. "Hee hee, dikit aja dong". Lama tak cakap Jawa dah sebab selalunya pembantu rumah saya, Kak Jannah, yang temankan :P

Lately, Kelantan has been having unanticipated holidays which I find inconvenient. First thing first, holidays means more clinical sessions to be cancelled. That also means more patients being put on hold. Next, it means losing profits. Uhhh, I wish the Kelantan royal family will be quick at confirming it and most importantly I wish there will be no hols this Sunday :P Besides, Raya Haji hols is just eleven days away.

Anyway, I have an appointment with Prof. Sitthique - the oral pathologist, this Monday regarding my midline submandibular mass. I hope it'll be nothing bad :P Oh yeah, Umi and Ayah are coming over tomorrow! That means ditching my room in Desasiswa Murni and off to Renaissance again tomorrow and the day after :D I need a break anyway (not in the means of hols this Sunday ya). And another thing... the 38th Asia-Pacific Dental Students Congress shall be held in Bangkok, Thailand, but words about USM drawing a quota on participation were passed among us. Harap-harap takda kuota. Alaaa, Dean, jangan le kedekut. Thailand je pun, bukannya Japan macam tahun lepas T_T

a hectic day

2010-11-02T01:02:00.003+08:00

Today was my first day in specialty clinical posting. Ignorantly enough, I slept at 3.30am yesterday to do some reading on paediatric dentistry (paedodontics) because I had spent too much time on Dental Intervarsity Sports night and Regional (Asia) Biomaterial Scientific Meeting 2010 . Not surprisingly enough, the specialty clinic I'm serving in today is indeed paediatric dentistry. In Malaysia, paediatric patients are those who are in need of special-care as well as those below 18 years old. There is one concept all physicians should hold to in treating a paediatric patient:

Paediatric patient is not a mini adult.

You lose their trust once, do look forward at struggling to retrieve it back. Patience - is the main player in this field. And even so, surprisingly enough, paediatric dentists are usually the strictest one among all dentist specialists. I was so glad when the clock stroke 4.30 in the evening and I couldn't present my very first patient for paediatric dentistry's case to my lecturer, Dr Zuliani Mahmood, since currently kids rarely visit us as they are sitting for examinations. Reason being I did prepare theory-wise, but no, I wasn't adequately prepared for the real clinical scenario. Yes, I remember quite a number of them - tooth eruption chronology, permanent and deciduous teeth anatomy (both are different in so many ways especially the way they react in pathological scenario), the way to fill up a paedodontic dental form, and yaddah yaddah, but since my very first patient for this specialty isn't actually a simple one, I couldn't even properly tailor my treatment plan for him especially since he's a walk-in patient - which means this is his very first visit to us. Nonetheless, I did not regret not getting to present it in time as I hate sounding too ridiculous in front of my lecturers. Well, they said, "There is always your first time for this and that and don't expect perfection from it. It is a learning process", but what I hold to is that there is a limit to everything and to be too unprepared for this one is just... unacceptable - for a person who's going for a course which demands precision and the ability to decide and act fast regardless of the scenario. The ability to do everything 'fast' should be acquired with time as the skills slowly develop, that is what I hold to and openly accept. But first thing first is always to build a foundation that is strong enough to support you till you retire, and mine is currently very shaky. Theory is theory, and it is there to some extent (although I personally think it is still inadequate even for a first-timer), but the clinical part is the one that is very weak. I hope I shall gain experience and improve rapidly with time, insya Allah.

Speaking of which, I'd like to record a few things about my very very very first patient for paedodontics. He is a nine year old Malay boy who behaves very well although his oral condition is not something a first-timer would look forward to. I think... I can do something with this kid, help him improve in many ways, with Allah's will, of course. And Alhamdulillah, I was granted a patient who has a very cooperative and caring mother. So she was eager to bring him again next week and I'm very much looking forward to this :) As I was handing his personal details form to a staff nurse in screening clinic, and as the nurse asked me, "Eh, jolo (betul ke) ko hari jadi dia hok (yang) ni?". "Bakpo (kenapa), staff nurse? Ho (ya) la, hok tu la, satu November 2002. Eh... meta (kejap)... HARI JADI DIO HARI NI LA!!! ", panic at the disco aku. Terus lepas examine dia, cabut lari keluar klinik, start enjin, terus pecut pergi beli kek kejap. Alhamdulillah sempat sedar dan sempat beli sikit buah tangan. That happiness on his face was... priceless, man. And that was his first cake for the day :')

Today, while rushing to see Encik Lah to get my car keys, I bumped into Dr Fazal Reza, a biomaterial in dentistry and prosthodontics specialist. As usual, I just don't know why, I couldn't raise my head when a lecturer is around. Then he looked back at me and said, "Yes, you". "Oh, shit, what have I done this time", I said to myself. "The event was very nice, you hosted it very well", he said. Yes, I noticed him sitting at the front-most row. I blushed and explained that there were so many glitches during the event and we tried so hard to cover everything up, not to mention that it was our first time of hosting a formal event and he replied by saying he didn't notice much glitches (apart from the video error) and thought everything was actually going well. He congratulated me. Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ Buat somersault. Praises to God :'D

the very packed and eventful week, victory of Kelantan, monsoon season, and fever

2010-10-31T15:04:00.004+08:00

So this very eventful week is about to pass in just a few hours time. A really memorable one indeed :)

The first one will be about Regional (Asia) Biomaterial Scientific Meeting 2010 (RBSM) in conjunction with 8th Student Scientific Conference (SSC). Frankly, my heart felt as if it was about to burst when my phase coordinator, Dr Wan Zaripah Wan Bakar, said to me three days before the event itself, "EH! You're not hosting for SSC! You're hosting for RBSM you tahu tak? SSC is considered as a part of this RBSM", because during previous briefing, they told me I would be the emcee for SSC only. From the original script my emcee partner, Yenyen, and I prepared, I honestly think only 30% of it was retained in the end. It was changed so many times with last minute changes, and I thought we would collapse in front of the crowd when there were so many glitches during the event. The Dean, Assoc. Prof. Dr. Hj. Abdul Rashid Hj. Ismail, was so very kind to back us up as we mistakenly announced the VIP who was supposed to give the closing speech (there were incongruence between the event schedule we received and the programme book he received). Nevertheless, when the chairperson of RBSM2010, Prof. Ismail Abdul Rahman came to see us and said, "You did a good job" and, "Saya sayang sangat diorang berdua ni, penyelamat keadaan", we couldn't help but to smile as we were exiting Grand Riverview Hotel. Thank you, Dean, Prof. Ismail, Dr Noorliza Mastura (head of Protocol committee, also phase II coordinator), Dr Wan Zaripah, Cik Suhaila (secretariat), TAVA staffs, Yenyen (for being such a helpful and cooperative emcee partner, and everyone else who was involved.

p/s: We were in frenzy when the Dean kissed Dr Noorliza's (his wife) forehead as she went on the stage to receive an award together with her mentee. Dr Noorliza's blushed so badly! :) And I blushed too when the head of RBSM judges, Assoc. Prof. Dr. Azizah Yusoff said, "Thank you, Z", as she was about to present a report on RBSM on stage. Segan bila peserta RBSM dan SSC tergelak.

Then come the next event which was held on the same day - Dental Intervarsity Sports night. I was told by Iqbal - the person in-charge of performance for this event, that I had to perform six days before the event itself and I'm already handful with my endodontic project as well as RBSM. By the time I found out about it, I was still struggling with my five teeth to finish. Nonetheless, Alhamdulillah, this time, I had great and hard-working people to work with. Apart from my band, there was second year band performing too and I was amazed with their talent. Truth to be told, I was searching for new talents to pass any offer to perform to. So I was searching among health sciences and medical students, and hey, they turned out to be hidden among dental students ourselves! Yay! So I borrowed the cellist (Sarah) and drummer (Mike), both very talented and committed, and together with Hazwan, Anam, and Yiying, we performed Pergi by Aizat, Lucky by Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat, and Bila Cinta by Gio and it went fine :) The line-up for second year band was a vocalist (I didn't get her name T_T), Asyraf (rhythm guitarist), Ziyad (rhythm guitarist), Sarah (cellist), Syafiq (keyboardist), and Mike (drummer). Thank you, everyone :)

p/s: Do you believe me if I say I had a laptop by my side while I was performing? Haha, yes, I did and thanks, Anam, for informing the crowd my reasons beforehand. Saved me the embarrassment. And Dr. Ramizu Shaari (oral maxillofacial surgeon of my dental school) and Dr. Zaihan (deputy dean of academic for the school) were pointing at me, perhaps because I used a laptop T_T Uhhh, malu gua.

And just yesterday, Kelantan won Piala Malaysia (Malaysian Cup) for the very first time since it was held in 1921. Congratulations, Kelantan! And yayyy, the state government granted us all 'cuti peristiwa' for today (although Tok Guru Nik Aziz made a press statement that no holiday shall be granted even if Kelantan wins but a bonus will be given).

I am so relieved to find out that today is a holiday since right before yesterday's performance, my body temperature spiked. Truth is, I was expecting it. Especially now that musim tengkujuh (monsoon season) is here, it rains everyday and is quite cold all along Eastern Coast. For three weeks in a row, I slept at an average of 3-4 hours so that I can finish all my work in time. And for this week, whenever I finish with my dental work, I had to go for either band practice or RBSM rehearsal, every single day. Sambil ke hulu ke hilir angkat Mr Mikael dan Mr Frontman sebab saya tak bawa Mr. Gitaku ke Kelate. Finally I had a good ten hours of sleep yesterday :) Couldn't even recall my dream, Alhamdulillah.

Starting from tomorrow, we'll be entering dental clinic almost every day (and ward rounds for oral surgery posting) for specialty posting. May everything go as smoothly as possible, insya Allah.

charge on!

2010-10-25T21:05:00.003+08:00

Selamat hari jadi, Wani :)

Love you lots, babe. May your marriage be showered with blessings and happiness. Semoga makin chun dan makin chun! Love, from KELATE WHAAHHAA.

Okie, lemme see... what do I have this week:

1. Learn Lucky by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat on the guitar.

2. Prepare emcee script for Student Scientific Conference which will be held this Saturday.

3. Perform three songs with Anam, Yiying, and Hazwan this Saturday night.

4. Finish my 21, 24, and 36 teeth for endodontics class by this week.

5. Study for next week's clinical session (specialty postings).

6. Study for radiology, surgery, general medicine, and paediatrics MCQ.

7. Emcee the event.

And again, I hope I hope I hope everything will go smoothly. Insya Allah.

AKH!

2010-10-25T18:58:00.002+08:00

I was on my way to Kafe Murni when I bumped into Iqbal who suddenly said, "Eh, Sabtu ni confirmkan?". ??? What on earth, I said to myself. It turned out that I have to perform this Saturday!!!! HWARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And I did agree when he asked me regarding this last TWO MONTHS! Hope things will go well :)

2010-10-24T17:52:00.002+08:00

You know what you know what you know what? I am so in love with dentistry even if it's underrated, tough, tedious, or yaddah yaddah yaddah :D

gladddd

2010-10-22T22:23:00.003+08:00

Title [Total hits] :Rating :Date :01.Gio: Bila Cinta [1325]11/10/2010[ u! ]02.Iwan Fals: Kemesraan [454]26/08/2010[ u! ]03.Misc Unsigned Bands: Malaysian United Artistes - Here In My Home[1499]12/11/2009[ u! ]04.Nitrus: Resah [600]16/11/2009[ u! ]05.One Buck Short: Khayalan Masa[1312]16/11/2009[ u! ]06.Ungu: Andai Ku Tahu [1259]26/11/2009[ u! ]07.Yovie And Nuno: Menjaga Hati [3207]

That's according to Ultimate-Guitar :D20/10/2008[ u! ]
Thank you, people! :D

oh noes

2010-10-20T21:01:00.002+08:00

My roommate, Pang Khyun Lee, is having sore throat right now. So she's asleep. I slept excessively yesterday. I rarely sleep at other times except at night, and yet yesterday, I took naps in the afternoon and early evening. My forehead feels very warm. So it's fever fiesta this time. It's blazing hot in noon and it gets very cold during night. It feels like I'm living in Sahara. No wonder everyone's falling ill. Even a postgraduate student who was in the same x-ray room as I was was having runny nose. Respiratory tract infection fiesta, everybody, let us all bathe in mucus flood weeeee~

I need to polish Mr Mikael this weekend. Too many dirts off a few people's hands stuck on him. My previous hunt for microfibre cloth ended with zero result. Aiyo.

money

2010-10-19T23:57:00.002+08:00

I just found out that... oral surgery block is only 12 days away! Yayyyy! And anyway, I was wrong. There WILL be a number of ward rounds left for this year. As far as I know, we need to do ward rounds during oral surgery block. But before that, we'll have to go through biomaterial (currently) and endodontics block.

Had a class with Dr Noor Hayati Abd Razak today on Application of Bone Graft and Material-Tissue Interface. I'm not sure whether it's because she saw me drinking my Nescafe beng (iced Nescafe in Kelantanese ascent :P) during her lecture or what, but she pointed to me when she was asking the reason an ideal bone graft should not be absorbed easily. "What's your name?", she asked. "Yes, Dr? Zahirah". Then she said, "Ah ha, Zahirah, yes, yes I know you", and I freaked out. I couldn't remember joining her class before, but the fact that she became warmer after that, I was relieved. That couldn't be a bad thing... but still, I am intrigued. They said she was one of the examiners during OSCE exam when we were in third year. But my examiner was Dr Abdullah Pohchi (O_o) Think positive, Zahirah :)

I need to cash out a lot of money this week for three textbooks - Intro to Orthodontics by Laura Mitchell, Handbook of Paediatric Dentistry, Endodontics in Practice by Paul V Abbott, and Carranza's Clinical Periodontology. Whoa... whole lot of money, man.

have fun ^_^

2010-10-18T12:59:00.003+08:00

Oh, some people just can't let go of the past. Child's play is so boring, it's like reliving highschool life and I don't think that's favourable, well as long as you know God's with you, you know He'll execute his punishments to every single soul. And you know... you can never run from it. Hee hee. And neither can I ;)

Have fun reading this, dear ;D

Tahukah kamu apa keindahan dianiaya? Dari Muadz bin Jabal RA bahawasanya Rasulullah SAW bersabda,

“Ertinya : Takutlah kepada doa orang-orang yang teraniaya, sebab tidak ada hijab antaranya dengan Allah (untuk mengabulkan)”- Sahih Muslim.

Dan kau telah memberiku peluang untuk menghantar doa-doaku dengan hati yang lebih lega. Terima kasih :)

Anyway, today I went to En Rosli's office to check my marks for previous case write-ups. Thank you, Allah :')